therapy session 1

Left my first therapy session with Jessica about an hour ago. Had a knot in my stomach the entire time. I couldn't release. I couldn't relax. First impression was she's not for me. She came across as too pretty, too sorority girl for me but after we started talking, I realized that's not fair. She's a professional and is there to listen to me and offer guidance so I can gain some better coping skills. It sucked having to leave the session and drive a long ass way home. I was in my head the entire time on the road so it would have been cool if I had a neutral place to decompress and process things. Thankfully K is getting a ride home.

It's amazing that now that I've told another person, I feel more free. I feel as if the universe was waiting for me to say "I was sexually abused" to show me that it's OK. It hurts, he hurt me and my sister but I can no longer run from it. If I continue to run from it, it'll only add more fuel to the fires of pain. I finally realize what a powerful statement it is to simply acknowledge it. By acknowledging and saying, I've let some of the air out of it. I feel like it's been punctured some what. It's real, it's tangible, it's something I can address. It was given so much energy by me not facing it. That's over now.

Since I couldn't stop somewhere and process, I recorded some thoughts on my phone:

* What are your expectations from her, she asked. Why do you want to tell your mom?

I want to tell my mom because I feel I can't heal without fully disclosing it. I feel as if I don't tell her it will be a sham healing. I need my mom to know. In a way I'm sure she already knows. She knows he hurt my sister and she has to know it happened to me too. I honestly don't know what to expect of her. I think it's going to hurt her when I tell her. I hope she doesn't hate me for not telling her sooner. I hope she doesn't feel guilty for not being able to protect us. I hope she doesn't look at me differently or judge me. But those are my fears talking. When I stop and think about my mom, she's a supportive lady and says she only wants me to be happy. Yes, she's let me down before but she's only human. Regardless of how she reacts, I will go into telling her with an open mind, no expectations and the knowledge that I'm doing what I have to do to take care of myself. Bottom line, I'm being selfish and taking care of me.