Monday evening. Came home feeling tense and stressed. K fixed me a hot bath, complete with scented oils, candles and crystals to absorb my negative energy. Overall I'm feeling more relaxed but the ever present tightness in my chest persists. I guess I'll just have to deal with this anxious feeling while I go through it all.
Taking a relaxing bath has been added to my arsenal of coping mechanisms. I now have 4-writing, exercising, art and taking a bath. Before, I only had 2-weed and alcohol. Earlier today I thought of smoking. It would have been nice to roll a joint and smoke away. I must admit my relationship with weed, I feel, is not yet over. I'm pretty sure I'll crave it for the rest of my life and honestly I envision smoking at some point in my future. For now though, I can't. I need to stay clean to get a job but also to attack my issues with a clear head. That doesn't mean that I won't smoke again. I fantasize about lighting up in my new place. The place I haven't even yet secured ; to be paid for by the job I haven't yet secured.
K asked me today if I wanted to stay together in this 2 bedroom. I told her I'm split 50/50; a part says yes, another part says no. Deep down I think we know the real answer is no. We need our own space to continue exploring who we're meant to be. We need our places to heal further. Sometimes, like right now, I want to be selfish and simply spend the whole night alone. It's a delicate balancing act we're dancing right now. I want to make sure I'm there for her but I also need to make sure I'm there for myself.
Not sure what's going to happen to us. There is still so much love between us. We've talked about the possibility of having our own places and dating. That may be the most viable and 'correct' way to approach this. I want my own place. I need my own place. I lived by myself for only about 2 years. It's time I spent some time alone, in my own space trying on different things/experiences. For that to happen, I need to get a good paying job and be ready. I can see so clearly now and know I am ready.
All together now, I am DSC and I can handle anything life throws my way.
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