Feeling a little down right now. Not exactly sad but not happy either. I decided to write because I haven't written in a few days and it's good, cheap therapy. Since leaving hell (June 10,2010) I've had many epiphanies:
I am a sexual abuse survivor. I was sexually molested by my uncle Eddie. I still can't recall how many times it occurred but once is enough. Slowly but surely I'm making peace with this episode in my past and allowing it to take its rightful place in my history. I can verbalize the words now and feel freer for putting them out into the universe. With this occurring at an early age, some of my growth has been stunted. I never developed coping mechanisms to deal with emotions. Instead I turned to marijuana. It was my crutch for almost a decade; from my early 20s until about a month ago. That being said, I struggle to deal with emotions like anger, frustration and having my expectations not met. Before now, I would take out my frustration, anger, resentment on her. Now I realize that is wrong and fruitless and harmful to myself and her. It was the abuse and shit I put her through that made her break up with me.
She was very sick all last week and I had a hell of a time dealing with that. I feel so stupid for not being able to be there for her but I have trouble when people are vulnerable; be that sick or crying. My automatic instinct is to either shut down or make them feel guilty for it. how fuck up is that? I'm such a kid that I get resentful and upset when things don't go my way; regardless if she's sick or not. I told her this much and she appreciated my honesty. I vividly remember my stepmother crying in front of me and I'd be overcome with a paralysis that didn't allow me to move or speak. Nary a comforting word uttered from my lips. That's not normal but again, it goes back to me not having developed those traits. Withdrawing into myself was the only skill I ever learned and damn did I perfect it!
It's been a struggle but I have been able to verbalize my frustration and anger but not direct it towards her. This is yet another challenge that I have to keep working at. The old me would make passive aggressive comments and try to intentionally inflict pain on her with my words. I'm giving it my all to not do that. It's too easy to fall back into that trap of blaming her or others; Of seething with frustration burning deep within my chest. I don't want that. I don't want to cause any more stress in our lives than we already have. talking it out, either with others or simply out loud to myself is helping. I can't keep keeping things inside. I can feel it corroding my insides. I can't allow that to happen.
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