I'm sorry. thank you

.So many times this past weekend I beat myself up for failing as a girlfriend. So many times during our relationship I took out my frustrations on her. I used her as a punching bag. Afraid to face my childhood trauma, I reverted to taking my anger and pain out on her. I'm ashamed to admit I even hurt her physically. I haven't touched her like that in a long time but I did it. I don't have coping mechanisms for my emotions and I put my hands on her. The beautiful woman who I swore to protect from pain and here I was hurting her. I hurt her physically. I hurt her emotionally. I hurt her by checking out of the relationship. I hurt her by belittling her. I hurt her by making her feel bad about herself. I mocked her interests. She wasn't perfect but she never deserved this pain. She is the only person, besides my mother, who loves me unconditionally. She has never judged me. She has never talked down to me or made me feel bad about myself. And how do I repay her? By being a monster to her. By channeling all my fears, demons, pain, hurt and sexual abuse into more abuse.

I continued the cycle of abuse because I didn't know any better. Because she was there. I didn't dare show this side to anyone else but she was there and I abused her. I took her for granted. I didn't appreciate her. If I'm honest with myself, it's been hell for her probably at least 2 years now. How could I have done this to her? How could I have hurt her and not see what I had in front of me? Now that she's gone, I realize the depth of my despair. Taking out my misery on her hasn't solved my problems. If anything, it's added to the layers of blackness I must fight out of to heal myself.

Through all the abuse I inflicted on her, she still wants to be my friend. She still loves me and wants to help me get better. I am both grateful and saddened by that. A big part of me feels as if I don't deserve her kindness and generosity but I also know that I need her compassion, her wisdom to aid me in my journey. This is one I must take but I need some guidance and she has once again risen to my side to make sure I heal myself. I can't let her down. I can't let myself down. I can't let us down. It hurts that we are no longer a couple. It's no longer D & K. But her friendship is something I can't lose and I will give her thanks for that daily.