D doesn't live here anymore

It's Monday evening. It was one hell of a weekend. Fuck we cried bucket loads of tears. After initially blaming him and her for my pain, I finally realize I was the one who hurt myself. My actions, my inactions, my fear, my apathy took me down this path. I lost it all. I lost the love of my life. I lost my home. I lost my mind, momentarily. I hit rock bottom this weekend. The pain was so intense I felt my heart ready to burst at any minute. Our cries were howls of pain, loss and regret.

At this particular moment, I'm more calm. I am finally listening to my inner Sammie and paying attention to what she needs. I have finally grown up. Childish things are no longer part of me. I have lost it all and have no where to go but up. I have no where to go but to address what it is that has stifled me for so long.

Before even setting foot inside work, I called EAP. I poured my pain to a stranger named Heather and hope to be able to see a therapist soon. I left her a voicemail but she's yet to return my call. If she doesn't by end of business tomorrow, I will call EAP back to request another referral. I'm ready. I am more than ready but I need her to call me back. Another option I have is to go with Ross.

I'm embarrassed that it's taken me this long to confront my demons. Instead of confronting them I reverted to child-like mechanisms like escape. Fuck, I feel like such a grown up now. I have lost it all, including shame. I have nothing left to lose and finally comprehend all that I have lost was done for a reason. I've lost it all because I need to heal myself. I need to

1) pay Sammie attention

2) get professional help

3) make peace with my past

4) love myself

In addition, I need to get a job, a new place to live and not stray from my course. Damn, it's gonna be hard but I'm genuinely surprised by how enlightened I am. Have I accepted the loss of our relationship? Could I really have progressed this quickly?

The weird thing is that deep down, I knew what I had to do. I never did it because I took everything we had for granted. I never seriously considered that she'd leave me. But now that it's over, I can't hide behind anything or anyone. It's now sink or swim time and I don't want to sink.

I told my mom and she was super supportive as well. She wrote me the most beautiful email in Spanish.