fuck love

Up early on a Saturday morning. Watching some world cup soccer (SK v GRE). She called me right after work and we were on the phone for more than 2 hours. We rehashed a lot of the same stuff, we cried guttural cries of pain. I ended the call feeling numb. Numb is my preferred emotion lately. The phone call was also cathartic. Told her how much she hurt me, how she broke my heart. Told her I want her to hurt as much as I do. I told her I wanted the loneliness to suffocate her. I even told her I hate her. And I told her if we break up I can't have her in my life. She took it all and accepted it. She also said she never wanted to hurt me but the damage has been done. Things will never be the same between us. Even if we were to give this another chance, knowing that she has feelings for him would erode whatever fragile reconciliation we built.

Bottom line- she's not one to run from her feelings and she explicitly said she wants to explore those feelings so I don't see how that bodes well for me. She may not have wanted to choose between me & him but in a way she already has. She gave into those feelings, that lust and I can't, I won't be second fiddle. The pain, anger, dissappointment are washing over me as I type these words. I can't believe we're here. She told me it was always going to be me. She said we'd be together 50 + years and yet we didn't even make it to our 4 year anniversary.

I hate knowing that once I'm out of the picture she'll have free reign to go to him. They'll be nothing standing in her way to start something with him. I hope she didn't sleep last night. I want her to hurt and I want to be mean to her but I still love her and I don't know if I can be mean to her. I hate this so much. Love sucks. Love really motherfucking sucks.

Envisioning a life without her is so painful, so lonely. I cannot be friends with her if we break up. She wants to but I can't. How could I be her friend and hear about her new romantic adventures? How could I be her friend and pretend not to love her and pretend that she's the person who caused me so much grief. I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, I admit. I told her that I'm sure she's seeking solace in him because in whatever way I let her down or I wasn't able to fulfill whatever needs she had but I also told her I would have love to break up with it being my fault. It'd be easier for me to swallow if she left me because of what I did or didn't do. Instead we're here because of a third party.

I can't stand to think of him touching her. I can't stand to think that this super generous, loving and caring individual is now going to lavish that on him. She was supposed to take care of me. I was supposed to take care of her. I know I failed you baby girl, I know I did but I never strayed. My heart always belonged to you and no one else. I don't see how I can ever do this again. Love hurts too much.