Productivity, please
Funny how I just keep bringing page up to do another post. I don't want to leave you yet! Putting these words out there into cyberspace help immensely. Blah, blah, blah. Listening to No Doubt's Return of Saturn CD. My personal favorite. I appreciate Gwen & Co's raw, frank lyrics. She doesn't hide behind anything and those are my favorite type of artists; not these bullshit artists of today that are manufactured down to the underwear they put on in the morning...if they wear any, that is. Ok, it's close to 1pm I need to do lunch and do some more job hunting. Must get more productive!
June 2010
June 2010 is the month I died.
June 2010 is the month we died.
June 2010 is the month I started healing.
June 2010 is the month I finally ended her misery.
June 2010 is the month I finally addressed my misery.
June 2010 is the month I was reborn.
June 2010 is the month we died.
June 2010 is the month I started healing.
June 2010 is the month I finally ended her misery.
June 2010 is the month I finally addressed my misery.
June 2010 is the month I was reborn.
snail pace but chugging along...
Feeling a little down right now. Not exactly sad but not happy either. I decided to write because I haven't written in a few days and it's good, cheap therapy. Since leaving hell (June 10,2010) I've had many epiphanies:
I am a sexual abuse survivor. I was sexually molested by my uncle Eddie. I still can't recall how many times it occurred but once is enough. Slowly but surely I'm making peace with this episode in my past and allowing it to take its rightful place in my history. I can verbalize the words now and feel freer for putting them out into the universe. With this occurring at an early age, some of my growth has been stunted. I never developed coping mechanisms to deal with emotions. Instead I turned to marijuana. It was my crutch for almost a decade; from my early 20s until about a month ago. That being said, I struggle to deal with emotions like anger, frustration and having my expectations not met. Before now, I would take out my frustration, anger, resentment on her. Now I realize that is wrong and fruitless and harmful to myself and her. It was the abuse and shit I put her through that made her break up with me.
She was very sick all last week and I had a hell of a time dealing with that. I feel so stupid for not being able to be there for her but I have trouble when people are vulnerable; be that sick or crying. My automatic instinct is to either shut down or make them feel guilty for it. how fuck up is that? I'm such a kid that I get resentful and upset when things don't go my way; regardless if she's sick or not. I told her this much and she appreciated my honesty. I vividly remember my stepmother crying in front of me and I'd be overcome with a paralysis that didn't allow me to move or speak. Nary a comforting word uttered from my lips. That's not normal but again, it goes back to me not having developed those traits. Withdrawing into myself was the only skill I ever learned and damn did I perfect it!
It's been a struggle but I have been able to verbalize my frustration and anger but not direct it towards her. This is yet another challenge that I have to keep working at. The old me would make passive aggressive comments and try to intentionally inflict pain on her with my words. I'm giving it my all to not do that. It's too easy to fall back into that trap of blaming her or others; Of seething with frustration burning deep within my chest. I don't want that. I don't want to cause any more stress in our lives than we already have. talking it out, either with others or simply out loud to myself is helping. I can't keep keeping things inside. I can feel it corroding my insides. I can't allow that to happen.
I am a sexual abuse survivor. I was sexually molested by my uncle Eddie. I still can't recall how many times it occurred but once is enough. Slowly but surely I'm making peace with this episode in my past and allowing it to take its rightful place in my history. I can verbalize the words now and feel freer for putting them out into the universe. With this occurring at an early age, some of my growth has been stunted. I never developed coping mechanisms to deal with emotions. Instead I turned to marijuana. It was my crutch for almost a decade; from my early 20s until about a month ago. That being said, I struggle to deal with emotions like anger, frustration and having my expectations not met. Before now, I would take out my frustration, anger, resentment on her. Now I realize that is wrong and fruitless and harmful to myself and her. It was the abuse and shit I put her through that made her break up with me.
She was very sick all last week and I had a hell of a time dealing with that. I feel so stupid for not being able to be there for her but I have trouble when people are vulnerable; be that sick or crying. My automatic instinct is to either shut down or make them feel guilty for it. how fuck up is that? I'm such a kid that I get resentful and upset when things don't go my way; regardless if she's sick or not. I told her this much and she appreciated my honesty. I vividly remember my stepmother crying in front of me and I'd be overcome with a paralysis that didn't allow me to move or speak. Nary a comforting word uttered from my lips. That's not normal but again, it goes back to me not having developed those traits. Withdrawing into myself was the only skill I ever learned and damn did I perfect it!
It's been a struggle but I have been able to verbalize my frustration and anger but not direct it towards her. This is yet another challenge that I have to keep working at. The old me would make passive aggressive comments and try to intentionally inflict pain on her with my words. I'm giving it my all to not do that. It's too easy to fall back into that trap of blaming her or others; Of seething with frustration burning deep within my chest. I don't want that. I don't want to cause any more stress in our lives than we already have. talking it out, either with others or simply out loud to myself is helping. I can't keep keeping things inside. I can feel it corroding my insides. I can't allow that to happen.
day 4
Today's technically the 4th (business) day of my unemployment. I haven't exactly been cracking with the job search, though. I applied for a few CSR positions but each time I think of going back to customer service I want to vomit. I haven't been writing either. Some changes of note:
Had an up and down weekend; mostly up. We both started our period so emotions have been running higher than usual. After much soul searching, we decided to move in together into a one bedroom as a "couple". I put that in quotes because we also decided not to label whatever it is we are/whatever stage we're at. Like she said, we don't necessarily have to be in a relationship to keep loving each other. The breakup (less than 3 weeks ago) and the subsequent drama has brought us closer. It's also brought me closer to confronting my inner shit. I've learned so much. I have my next session with Jessica the therapist on Thursday at 3. Feeling kind of guilty for not keeping up writing but fuck it; this is my recovery and I'll go at the pace I'm comfortable with. I've yet to tell my mother. I won't be able to talk to her until after the World Cup. That sounds funny but it's true. Weekdays she's at work; at night she's with him. On the weekends, she's with him or watching the games. What I have to tell her isn't something I'd want to bring up in a restaurant or coffee shop.
I'm meeting up with an old coworker today. I'm sure it's to tell me she's losing her job. Sorry but I have no prospects for you. On the contrary, I need one myself. I wish I had the luxury to not work but honestly being unemployed is boring. There's only so much TV and internet you can take before you want to shoot your eyes out. I have few friends so it's not as if I can call someone up and hang. Besides, the few friends I have are at their jobs.
Had an up and down weekend; mostly up. We both started our period so emotions have been running higher than usual. After much soul searching, we decided to move in together into a one bedroom as a "couple". I put that in quotes because we also decided not to label whatever it is we are/whatever stage we're at. Like she said, we don't necessarily have to be in a relationship to keep loving each other. The breakup (less than 3 weeks ago) and the subsequent drama has brought us closer. It's also brought me closer to confronting my inner shit. I've learned so much. I have my next session with Jessica the therapist on Thursday at 3. Feeling kind of guilty for not keeping up writing but fuck it; this is my recovery and I'll go at the pace I'm comfortable with. I've yet to tell my mother. I won't be able to talk to her until after the World Cup. That sounds funny but it's true. Weekdays she's at work; at night she's with him. On the weekends, she's with him or watching the games. What I have to tell her isn't something I'd want to bring up in a restaurant or coffee shop.
I'm meeting up with an old coworker today. I'm sure it's to tell me she's losing her job. Sorry but I have no prospects for you. On the contrary, I need one myself. I wish I had the luxury to not work but honestly being unemployed is boring. There's only so much TV and internet you can take before you want to shoot your eyes out. I have few friends so it's not as if I can call someone up and hang. Besides, the few friends I have are at their jobs.
day one
first day of being unemployed. she's home sick and I've been in 'my room' since i woke up. not in the mood to deal with anything/anyone at all. have had 2 beers (last 2) and it's barely 1:15pm. not motivated enough to go buy any more. i'll either start drinking the rum or vodka in the fridge or just go without.
so far the day's been pretty uneventful; boring, quiet and i've managed to spend loads of time alone. no complaints other than being w/o beer. i'd rather drink beer than alcohol but whatevs (hate). i even managed to squeeze a shower in so at least i'm clean and dressed. i guess i'll go see what's on tv now.
so far the day's been pretty uneventful; boring, quiet and i've managed to spend loads of time alone. no complaints other than being w/o beer. i'd rather drink beer than alcohol but whatevs (hate). i even managed to squeeze a shower in so at least i'm clean and dressed. i guess i'll go see what's on tv now.
how do I do this?
Hating life right now. Went to bed feeling extremely needy and of course I don't yet know how to take care of myself nor could she. I have to have better ways of dealing with this. I feel so vulnerable and want to beg her to take care of me but I know I can't and she can't either. Nights are becoming unbearable at this point; darkness ushers in loneliness and expectations that only serve to be crushed. I have to reset my expectations counter to zero. Somehow I've got to accept that I will only heal if I learn to take care of myself. It sucks that I can't talk to anyone else or reach out to anyone else. Jessica called and pushed back our next therapy appt until July 1st; that's over a week away. I want to call EAP but I can't desert my post. So bloody thankful I'm only working half a day today and then tomorrow is my last day ever here. I wish I could afford to take some time off to deal with my shit. I'll be taking time off but it'll be involuntary; I'll be unemployed. I'm listening to some depressing Death Cab which is probably a horrible idea but the melancholy is much welcomed and familiar.
I'll handle it
Monday evening. Came home feeling tense and stressed. K fixed me a hot bath, complete with scented oils, candles and crystals to absorb my negative energy. Overall I'm feeling more relaxed but the ever present tightness in my chest persists. I guess I'll just have to deal with this anxious feeling while I go through it all.
Taking a relaxing bath has been added to my arsenal of coping mechanisms. I now have 4-writing, exercising, art and taking a bath. Before, I only had 2-weed and alcohol. Earlier today I thought of smoking. It would have been nice to roll a joint and smoke away. I must admit my relationship with weed, I feel, is not yet over. I'm pretty sure I'll crave it for the rest of my life and honestly I envision smoking at some point in my future. For now though, I can't. I need to stay clean to get a job but also to attack my issues with a clear head. That doesn't mean that I won't smoke again. I fantasize about lighting up in my new place. The place I haven't even yet secured ; to be paid for by the job I haven't yet secured.
K asked me today if I wanted to stay together in this 2 bedroom. I told her I'm split 50/50; a part says yes, another part says no. Deep down I think we know the real answer is no. We need our own space to continue exploring who we're meant to be. We need our places to heal further. Sometimes, like right now, I want to be selfish and simply spend the whole night alone. It's a delicate balancing act we're dancing right now. I want to make sure I'm there for her but I also need to make sure I'm there for myself.
Not sure what's going to happen to us. There is still so much love between us. We've talked about the possibility of having our own places and dating. That may be the most viable and 'correct' way to approach this. I want my own place. I need my own place. I lived by myself for only about 2 years. It's time I spent some time alone, in my own space trying on different things/experiences. For that to happen, I need to get a good paying job and be ready. I can see so clearly now and know I am ready.
All together now, I am DSC and I can handle anything life throws my way.
Taking a relaxing bath has been added to my arsenal of coping mechanisms. I now have 4-writing, exercising, art and taking a bath. Before, I only had 2-weed and alcohol. Earlier today I thought of smoking. It would have been nice to roll a joint and smoke away. I must admit my relationship with weed, I feel, is not yet over. I'm pretty sure I'll crave it for the rest of my life and honestly I envision smoking at some point in my future. For now though, I can't. I need to stay clean to get a job but also to attack my issues with a clear head. That doesn't mean that I won't smoke again. I fantasize about lighting up in my new place. The place I haven't even yet secured ; to be paid for by the job I haven't yet secured.
K asked me today if I wanted to stay together in this 2 bedroom. I told her I'm split 50/50; a part says yes, another part says no. Deep down I think we know the real answer is no. We need our own space to continue exploring who we're meant to be. We need our places to heal further. Sometimes, like right now, I want to be selfish and simply spend the whole night alone. It's a delicate balancing act we're dancing right now. I want to make sure I'm there for her but I also need to make sure I'm there for myself.
Not sure what's going to happen to us. There is still so much love between us. We've talked about the possibility of having our own places and dating. That may be the most viable and 'correct' way to approach this. I want my own place. I need my own place. I lived by myself for only about 2 years. It's time I spent some time alone, in my own space trying on different things/experiences. For that to happen, I need to get a good paying job and be ready. I can see so clearly now and know I am ready.
All together now, I am DSC and I can handle anything life throws my way.
say goodbye
Almost midnight on a Saturday. I'm needy but she's sleeping. The Postal Service is keeping me company. I have "Nothing Better" and "Sleeping In" on repeat. I need her. I need to be comforted but I'm trying to be strong and tell myself that I need to start fending for myself. In a few months time, we won't even be in the same apartment. Never mind the fact that she was needy earlier and I gave her comfort. Never mind the fact that I'll probably go to bed feeling like shit and wake up tomorrow to take her to the arboretum after not making it today. The pain of it all tells me that the break up is real; that soon enough we'll be living separate lives and will have to comfort ourselves. For now I'm trying my hardest to make up how shitty I was to her by being there for her. I allow myself to fantasize about getting back together but in the same thought I know I'm not ready to get back with her. More importantly, I want some independence. I think of having my own place and get excited thinking about buying things for it. Right now though, I'm lonely and could use a hug and her smile.
this sucks
Feeling a bit frustrated and upset that she's not at her best right now. We went out and hung with my family but now I'm alone having to wait for them to return only to go drop them off. I know it's stupid and pointless since the pain is keeping her down but at the same time it's not fair. She got to talk to S and vent but I didn't. I didn't get a chance to talk to anyone like I had envisioned today to be. I'm trying my hardest not to let her know how upset I am; that wouldn't solve anything. I hate that I'm the only one who drives. It falls on me to have to take them back home. She got to talk and got her needs met but I'm out here by myself suffering. Dammit. this sucks.
therapy session 1.2
Jessica brought up an interesting point that I never even considered; how much of my religious upbringing/sexual confusion fueled my pain? We grew up Southern Baptist. The mega church was built and prospered on fire and brimstone. For years I struggled with self-hatred and the belief that god hated me for liking girls. For years I thought something was wrong with me because I was different. I never thought to question if this played a role in helping to hurt me. I was fucked up when it came to sex and having to deal with questions of religion and sexual identity only served to make me more confused and lost. I should explore this thought further but for now
Fuck religion. Religion is but a fallacy that some employ to not have to take responsibility for their actions. It's but a legal escape from the harshness that is life; for that which we can't explain. It's laughable to hear some people blame god for the BP oil spill; as if god has nothing better to do but fuck with people's livelihoods and oh yeah, the damn planet he created. I call bullshit. You can be spiritual. You can have beliefs and morals but when people preach a gospel of hate and sin and pain, who is benefiting? This angle to be explored is seriously making me more angry than I'm prepared for.
Fuck religion. Religion is but a fallacy that some employ to not have to take responsibility for their actions. It's but a legal escape from the harshness that is life; for that which we can't explain. It's laughable to hear some people blame god for the BP oil spill; as if god has nothing better to do but fuck with people's livelihoods and oh yeah, the damn planet he created. I call bullshit. You can be spiritual. You can have beliefs and morals but when people preach a gospel of hate and sin and pain, who is benefiting? This angle to be explored is seriously making me more angry than I'm prepared for.
therapy session 1
Left my first therapy session with Jessica about an hour ago. Had a knot in my stomach the entire time. I couldn't release. I couldn't relax. First impression was she's not for me. She came across as too pretty, too sorority girl for me but after we started talking, I realized that's not fair. She's a professional and is there to listen to me and offer guidance so I can gain some better coping skills. It sucked having to leave the session and drive a long ass way home. I was in my head the entire time on the road so it would have been cool if I had a neutral place to decompress and process things. Thankfully K is getting a ride home.
It's amazing that now that I've told another person, I feel more free. I feel as if the universe was waiting for me to say "I was sexually abused" to show me that it's OK. It hurts, he hurt me and my sister but I can no longer run from it. If I continue to run from it, it'll only add more fuel to the fires of pain. I finally realize what a powerful statement it is to simply acknowledge it. By acknowledging and saying, I've let some of the air out of it. I feel like it's been punctured some what. It's real, it's tangible, it's something I can address. It was given so much energy by me not facing it. That's over now.
Since I couldn't stop somewhere and process, I recorded some thoughts on my phone:
* What are your expectations from her, she asked. Why do you want to tell your mom?
I want to tell my mom because I feel I can't heal without fully disclosing it. I feel as if I don't tell her it will be a sham healing. I need my mom to know. In a way I'm sure she already knows. She knows he hurt my sister and she has to know it happened to me too. I honestly don't know what to expect of her. I think it's going to hurt her when I tell her. I hope she doesn't hate me for not telling her sooner. I hope she doesn't feel guilty for not being able to protect us. I hope she doesn't look at me differently or judge me. But those are my fears talking. When I stop and think about my mom, she's a supportive lady and says she only wants me to be happy. Yes, she's let me down before but she's only human. Regardless of how she reacts, I will go into telling her with an open mind, no expectations and the knowledge that I'm doing what I have to do to take care of myself. Bottom line, I'm being selfish and taking care of me.
It's amazing that now that I've told another person, I feel more free. I feel as if the universe was waiting for me to say "I was sexually abused" to show me that it's OK. It hurts, he hurt me and my sister but I can no longer run from it. If I continue to run from it, it'll only add more fuel to the fires of pain. I finally realize what a powerful statement it is to simply acknowledge it. By acknowledging and saying, I've let some of the air out of it. I feel like it's been punctured some what. It's real, it's tangible, it's something I can address. It was given so much energy by me not facing it. That's over now.
Since I couldn't stop somewhere and process, I recorded some thoughts on my phone:
* What are your expectations from her, she asked. Why do you want to tell your mom?
I want to tell my mom because I feel I can't heal without fully disclosing it. I feel as if I don't tell her it will be a sham healing. I need my mom to know. In a way I'm sure she already knows. She knows he hurt my sister and she has to know it happened to me too. I honestly don't know what to expect of her. I think it's going to hurt her when I tell her. I hope she doesn't hate me for not telling her sooner. I hope she doesn't feel guilty for not being able to protect us. I hope she doesn't look at me differently or judge me. But those are my fears talking. When I stop and think about my mom, she's a supportive lady and says she only wants me to be happy. Yes, she's let me down before but she's only human. Regardless of how she reacts, I will go into telling her with an open mind, no expectations and the knowledge that I'm doing what I have to do to take care of myself. Bottom line, I'm being selfish and taking care of me.
I am a sexual abuse survivor
I am a sexual abuse survivor. I need to accept this is part of my history. I've told 2 people this. I feel so much more freer already for having told Jessica. By not admitting it, by not confronting it, I was giving it more power. More power to hurt me. More power to lord over me & my emotions. In turn, I coped with this power play with vicious words, with hands on her neck, with weed and booze and other unhealthy behaviors. I am extremely lucky that I didn't end up pregnant or with some STI or worse-HIV. Getting myself testing was one of the first steps I took to reclaiming myself back. So thankfully I'm clean.
I am a sexual abuse survivor. It must have happened between 2nd and 5th grade. Prior to that we were in Texas and I'm almost positive that he didn't have access to us. Did it happen when we stayed with him? When we were homeless? Did it happen at Olga Place? Did it happen at Marlene's apartment?
The only image I can bring to mind is myself sitting on his lap; him fondling me through my panties while watching tv. In this image, my panties are always white. Crazy enough last night, the last image I had while dreaming was open women's legs with red panties. A hand going into these panties. That was me. I now know that was me. Those were my legs. That was my panty covered crotch area with the intruding hand.
I am a sexual abuse survivor. It must have happened between 2nd and 5th grade. Prior to that we were in Texas and I'm almost positive that he didn't have access to us. Did it happen when we stayed with him? When we were homeless? Did it happen at Olga Place? Did it happen at Marlene's apartment?
The only image I can bring to mind is myself sitting on his lap; him fondling me through my panties while watching tv. In this image, my panties are always white. Crazy enough last night, the last image I had while dreaming was open women's legs with red panties. A hand going into these panties. That was me. I now know that was me. Those were my legs. That was my panty covered crotch area with the intruding hand.
Off to see my shrink!
Well, technically she's a therapist but same difference. In less than an hour I'll begin my journey of healing. I'll be sitting in a room with a stranger who's come into my life by the stroke of EAP's pen (keyboard?) I've been anxiously waiting for it all day and now that it's almost time I can feel myself get a bit more nervous/anxious. I really hope she is for me. The tenuous calmness that I've carried these last two days can't carry me forward forever; I need help. Please Jessica, be the professional guide I need to get through this. I'll do my part if you promise to do yours.
Nothing Better by the Postal Service
Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And i swear I'll do my best to comply
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...
Oh, oh
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
I know that I have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And i swear I'll do my best to comply
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...
Oh, oh
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
I know that I have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye
shit-faced
She told him about us. She told him about our break-up and ever the gentleman offered his services in helping him move. I'm desperately trying not to get too wrapped up in this. I can't control her life and her friendships but this one hurts. No one knows we broke up. No one knows we're moving out and apart. But now someone does know. He knows. My biggest fear that she'll go to him after we're doing is rearing it's ugly little head. I know I can't control her and I'm trying to accept that and I'm trying to let it go but instead I'm drinking. I've just finished my 3rd beer and I'm ready to go for my 4th. I plan on getting shit-faced tonight. I don't care. I know it's not healthy and I shouldn't drown my feelings but that's all I want to do right now. Before I get wasted I need to finish cooking. Imagine that, I'm such an idiot that I'm making dinner for us only to probably eat alone.
It's over. She's gone. I wonder when I'll accept that he's going to be part of her life. After all, he is her friend whether she wants me to know it or not they share something deeper than friendship. Fuck. I hurt right now. I hurt and want to drink.
snow dream analysis
I remember 4 vivid scenes from my snow dream, I was my current age in all of them.
First I remember looking down at the ground and being amazed that how frozen it was and how I could walk on it without falling. The frozen ground had an almost marble-lized appearance to it. Besides the frozen ground, all other snow was white. Another scene had me on one side of the street observing some kids on the other side playing in the snow. One of those kids seemed familiar to me but I couldn't place who it was (but it was a girl). Third scene had me look up and I saw a driving snow storm; not exactly a blizzard but it was falling pretty heavy at a slant. The 4th scene was me running home to change so I could go out with a friend in the snow. Funny thing is this friend was sitting at home with my talking in Spanish and I remember thinking wow, I didn't know he spoke Spanish. I then woke up.
From my research on my snow dream:
Snow is water and water typically represents the emotions and/or the unconscious and/or the intuition. Since snow is frozen one might conclude that snow therefore represents an emotional coldness or a kind of emotional paralysis. Or one might believe that snow might mean that the intuition is somehow blocked--information may be received but the ability to trust it or act upon it is missing.
Something else to consider when you are interpreting your snow dream is the condition of the snow. Is it white? Is it a nice snow or is it a driving blizzard or a serious snowstorm? Is the snow falling at an odd time of year? Snow that is brown or off color may indicate feelings of innocence lost. Snowstorms or blizzards may indicate feeling emotionally overwhelmed or unable to see one's way through a situation such as the way one might feel if caught in a 'blinding snowstorm'.
There is another characteristic to snow--its color. Snow is white. White is often a symbol of purity. In alchemy, white was the symbolic color of purification: the color of having stripped oneself bare of all that was no longer needed to move on to a higher level of existence. In dreams white may symbolize new beginnings. It may also be symbolically related to baptism which is another symbol of the beginning of new life. Looked at from this vantage point, snow might symbolize a new beginning, a new relationship not only to one's emotions and intuition but to one's Self. Remember though, white is a beginning color--this is the start of something new, not the completion of the process.
I need to trust my intuition, my inner voice and accept that I can do whatever is going to come to me. Before I left home, I wrote this:
"Deep down inside when I let Sammie speak and I really listen to her, I can hear her say I can do this. I know I can do this. It's just so hard."
First I remember looking down at the ground and being amazed that how frozen it was and how I could walk on it without falling. The frozen ground had an almost marble-lized appearance to it. Besides the frozen ground, all other snow was white. Another scene had me on one side of the street observing some kids on the other side playing in the snow. One of those kids seemed familiar to me but I couldn't place who it was (but it was a girl). Third scene had me look up and I saw a driving snow storm; not exactly a blizzard but it was falling pretty heavy at a slant. The 4th scene was me running home to change so I could go out with a friend in the snow. Funny thing is this friend was sitting at home with my talking in Spanish and I remember thinking wow, I didn't know he spoke Spanish. I then woke up.
From my research on my snow dream:
Snow is water and water typically represents the emotions and/or the unconscious and/or the intuition. Since snow is frozen one might conclude that snow therefore represents an emotional coldness or a kind of emotional paralysis. Or one might believe that snow might mean that the intuition is somehow blocked--information may be received but the ability to trust it or act upon it is missing.
Something else to consider when you are interpreting your snow dream is the condition of the snow. Is it white? Is it a nice snow or is it a driving blizzard or a serious snowstorm? Is the snow falling at an odd time of year? Snow that is brown or off color may indicate feelings of innocence lost. Snowstorms or blizzards may indicate feeling emotionally overwhelmed or unable to see one's way through a situation such as the way one might feel if caught in a 'blinding snowstorm'.
There is another characteristic to snow--its color. Snow is white. White is often a symbol of purity. In alchemy, white was the symbolic color of purification: the color of having stripped oneself bare of all that was no longer needed to move on to a higher level of existence. In dreams white may symbolize new beginnings. It may also be symbolically related to baptism which is another symbol of the beginning of new life. Looked at from this vantage point, snow might symbolize a new beginning, a new relationship not only to one's emotions and intuition but to one's Self. Remember though, white is a beginning color--this is the start of something new, not the completion of the process.
I need to trust my intuition, my inner voice and accept that I can do whatever is going to come to me. Before I left home, I wrote this:
"Deep down inside when I let Sammie speak and I really listen to her, I can hear her say I can do this. I know I can do this. It's just so hard."
...Not Forever by Tsunami Bomb
I thought that this was solid
Stability and safety sitting in my hand
Just take a look at your life
You're all alone!
Well who'll be there when I need someone
Count on nobody and no one will let you down
I don't care, just let me go
I don't need this anymore
Love is not forever
Friendship is not forever
There is nothing set in stone
You're on your own
Well who'll be there when I need someone
Count on nobody and no one will let you down
I don't care, just let me go
I don't need this anymore
I don't need this anymore!
Dependence is followed by weakness
Don't be your own hostage
If I know so many
Why don't they know me
They don't know me
Just take a look at your life
You're all alone!
Now I know what we're made of
Confusion, Complication, and Uncertainty
I thought this was real, I was wrong
So I don't know
Well who'll be there when I need someone
Count on nobody and no one will let you down
I don't care, just let me go
I don't need this anymore
Who'll be there when I have no one
Don't expect that anyone will go out of their way
I don't care that I'm all alone
I don't need this anymore
Stability and safety sitting in my hand
Just take a look at your life
You're all alone!
Well who'll be there when I need someone
Count on nobody and no one will let you down
I don't care, just let me go
I don't need this anymore
Love is not forever
Friendship is not forever
There is nothing set in stone
You're on your own
Well who'll be there when I need someone
Count on nobody and no one will let you down
I don't care, just let me go
I don't need this anymore
I don't need this anymore!
Dependence is followed by weakness
Don't be your own hostage
If I know so many
Why don't they know me
They don't know me
Just take a look at your life
You're all alone!
Now I know what we're made of
Confusion, Complication, and Uncertainty
I thought this was real, I was wrong
So I don't know
Well who'll be there when I need someone
Count on nobody and no one will let you down
I don't care, just let me go
I don't need this anymore
Who'll be there when I have no one
Don't expect that anyone will go out of their way
I don't care that I'm all alone
I don't need this anymore
Can we remain friends and heal?
Can we remain friends and heal? Can two people who still love each other, break up and help each other heal? This is where we are at right now. The thoughts of moving apart in a few months is so much to bear (bare?) We won't come home to each other. I'll come home to an empty apartment and she'll come home to her cats. What are we supposed to do? Are I supposed to move into the spare room and live my life as if I were alone? My chest is burning as I write this. I pretty much have had this continuous burning in my chest for a long time now. I never realized it was anxiety.
I don't want to lose her. I want to beg her to give us another chance. I know the thoughts pass thru her mind as well but both our inner voices tells us that we can't. Mine is saying we can't. Mine is saying I'm not ready to be in a relationship. That hurts. that hurts so bad I can hardly breathe. we're at this crossroads in our lives and we don't know how to proceed. All I know is my life would be incredibly empty without her. i can't imagine life without my babyness. Are we impeding our personal progress by staying this close? Or are we simply soaking up as much together time we can before we move away? Still can't believe in a few short months we won't be living in the same place. We'll be living in separate apartments, leading lives independent of each other.
I'm sorry. thank you
.So many times this past weekend I beat myself up for failing as a girlfriend. So many times during our relationship I took out my frustrations on her. I used her as a punching bag. Afraid to face my childhood trauma, I reverted to taking my anger and pain out on her. I'm ashamed to admit I even hurt her physically. I haven't touched her like that in a long time but I did it. I don't have coping mechanisms for my emotions and I put my hands on her. The beautiful woman who I swore to protect from pain and here I was hurting her. I hurt her physically. I hurt her emotionally. I hurt her by checking out of the relationship. I hurt her by belittling her. I hurt her by making her feel bad about herself. I mocked her interests. She wasn't perfect but she never deserved this pain. She is the only person, besides my mother, who loves me unconditionally. She has never judged me. She has never talked down to me or made me feel bad about myself. And how do I repay her? By being a monster to her. By channeling all my fears, demons, pain, hurt and sexual abuse into more abuse.
I continued the cycle of abuse because I didn't know any better. Because she was there. I didn't dare show this side to anyone else but she was there and I abused her. I took her for granted. I didn't appreciate her. If I'm honest with myself, it's been hell for her probably at least 2 years now. How could I have done this to her? How could I have hurt her and not see what I had in front of me? Now that she's gone, I realize the depth of my despair. Taking out my misery on her hasn't solved my problems. If anything, it's added to the layers of blackness I must fight out of to heal myself.
I continued the cycle of abuse because I didn't know any better. Because she was there. I didn't dare show this side to anyone else but she was there and I abused her. I took her for granted. I didn't appreciate her. If I'm honest with myself, it's been hell for her probably at least 2 years now. How could I have done this to her? How could I have hurt her and not see what I had in front of me? Now that she's gone, I realize the depth of my despair. Taking out my misery on her hasn't solved my problems. If anything, it's added to the layers of blackness I must fight out of to heal myself.
Through all the abuse I inflicted on her, she still wants to be my friend. She still loves me and wants to help me get better. I am both grateful and saddened by that. A big part of me feels as if I don't deserve her kindness and generosity but I also know that I need her compassion, her wisdom to aid me in my journey. This is one I must take but I need some guidance and she has once again risen to my side to make sure I heal myself. I can't let her down. I can't let myself down. I can't let us down. It hurts that we are no longer a couple. It's no longer D & K. But her friendship is something I can't lose and I will give her thanks for that daily.
D doesn't live here anymore
It's Monday evening. It was one hell of a weekend. Fuck we cried bucket loads of tears. After initially blaming him and her for my pain, I finally realize I was the one who hurt myself. My actions, my inactions, my fear, my apathy took me down this path. I lost it all. I lost the love of my life. I lost my home. I lost my mind, momentarily. I hit rock bottom this weekend. The pain was so intense I felt my heart ready to burst at any minute. Our cries were howls of pain, loss and regret.
At this particular moment, I'm more calm. I am finally listening to my inner Sammie and paying attention to what she needs. I have finally grown up. Childish things are no longer part of me. I have lost it all and have no where to go but up. I have no where to go but to address what it is that has stifled me for so long.
Before even setting foot inside work, I called EAP. I poured my pain to a stranger named Heather and hope to be able to see a therapist soon. I left her a voicemail but she's yet to return my call. If she doesn't by end of business tomorrow, I will call EAP back to request another referral. I'm ready. I am more than ready but I need her to call me back. Another option I have is to go with Ross.
I'm embarrassed that it's taken me this long to confront my demons. Instead of confronting them I reverted to child-like mechanisms like escape. Fuck, I feel like such a grown up now. I have lost it all, including shame. I have nothing left to lose and finally comprehend all that I have lost was done for a reason. I've lost it all because I need to heal myself. I need to
1) pay Sammie attention
2) get professional help
3) make peace with my past
4) love myself
In addition, I need to get a job, a new place to live and not stray from my course. Damn, it's gonna be hard but I'm genuinely surprised by how enlightened I am. Have I accepted the loss of our relationship? Could I really have progressed this quickly?
The weird thing is that deep down, I knew what I had to do. I never did it because I took everything we had for granted. I never seriously considered that she'd leave me. But now that it's over, I can't hide behind anything or anyone. It's now sink or swim time and I don't want to sink.
I told my mom and she was super supportive as well. She wrote me the most beautiful email in Spanish.
fuck love
Up early on a Saturday morning. Watching some world cup soccer (SK v GRE). She called me right after work and we were on the phone for more than 2 hours. We rehashed a lot of the same stuff, we cried guttural cries of pain. I ended the call feeling numb. Numb is my preferred emotion lately. The phone call was also cathartic. Told her how much she hurt me, how she broke my heart. Told her I want her to hurt as much as I do. I told her I wanted the loneliness to suffocate her. I even told her I hate her. And I told her if we break up I can't have her in my life. She took it all and accepted it. She also said she never wanted to hurt me but the damage has been done. Things will never be the same between us. Even if we were to give this another chance, knowing that she has feelings for him would erode whatever fragile reconciliation we built.
Bottom line- she's not one to run from her feelings and she explicitly said she wants to explore those feelings so I don't see how that bodes well for me. She may not have wanted to choose between me & him but in a way she already has. She gave into those feelings, that lust and I can't, I won't be second fiddle. The pain, anger, dissappointment are washing over me as I type these words. I can't believe we're here. She told me it was always going to be me. She said we'd be together 50 + years and yet we didn't even make it to our 4 year anniversary.
I hate knowing that once I'm out of the picture she'll have free reign to go to him. They'll be nothing standing in her way to start something with him. I hope she didn't sleep last night. I want her to hurt and I want to be mean to her but I still love her and I don't know if I can be mean to her. I hate this so much. Love sucks. Love really motherfucking sucks.
Envisioning a life without her is so painful, so lonely. I cannot be friends with her if we break up. She wants to but I can't. How could I be her friend and hear about her new romantic adventures? How could I be her friend and pretend not to love her and pretend that she's the person who caused me so much grief. I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, I admit. I told her that I'm sure she's seeking solace in him because in whatever way I let her down or I wasn't able to fulfill whatever needs she had but I also told her I would have love to break up with it being my fault. It'd be easier for me to swallow if she left me because of what I did or didn't do. Instead we're here because of a third party.
I can't stand to think of him touching her. I can't stand to think that this super generous, loving and caring individual is now going to lavish that on him. She was supposed to take care of me. I was supposed to take care of her. I know I failed you baby girl, I know I did but I never strayed. My heart always belonged to you and no one else. I don't see how I can ever do this again. Love hurts too much.
Bottom line- she's not one to run from her feelings and she explicitly said she wants to explore those feelings so I don't see how that bodes well for me. She may not have wanted to choose between me & him but in a way she already has. She gave into those feelings, that lust and I can't, I won't be second fiddle. The pain, anger, dissappointment are washing over me as I type these words. I can't believe we're here. She told me it was always going to be me. She said we'd be together 50 + years and yet we didn't even make it to our 4 year anniversary.
I hate knowing that once I'm out of the picture she'll have free reign to go to him. They'll be nothing standing in her way to start something with him. I hope she didn't sleep last night. I want her to hurt and I want to be mean to her but I still love her and I don't know if I can be mean to her. I hate this so much. Love sucks. Love really motherfucking sucks.
Envisioning a life without her is so painful, so lonely. I cannot be friends with her if we break up. She wants to but I can't. How could I be her friend and hear about her new romantic adventures? How could I be her friend and pretend not to love her and pretend that she's the person who caused me so much grief. I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, I admit. I told her that I'm sure she's seeking solace in him because in whatever way I let her down or I wasn't able to fulfill whatever needs she had but I also told her I would have love to break up with it being my fault. It'd be easier for me to swallow if she left me because of what I did or didn't do. Instead we're here because of a third party.
I can't stand to think of him touching her. I can't stand to think that this super generous, loving and caring individual is now going to lavish that on him. She was supposed to take care of me. I was supposed to take care of her. I know I failed you baby girl, I know I did but I never strayed. My heart always belonged to you and no one else. I don't see how I can ever do this again. Love hurts too much.
not yet
So I'm sitting on a surprisingly comfy bed at a Best Western. Managed to catch the last 10 minutes or so of the Uruguay versus France match. Glad that I have the World Cup to distract me for an entire month.
I have been walking in a zombie-like state all day long. Numb yet on the verge of tears. As soon as I walked in, I thought of spending the rest of the weekend at the hotel with her. How stupid is that. I book this room to do what I need to do to take care of myself. It's a pretty decent room and I got a fabulous deal on it.
She texted me three hours ago to ask how I was; I never replied. I don't want her to know how I am. I don't want her to know where I am. What I want is for her to hurt as me as I do. I want her to suffocate in the loneliness of the big, empty apartment tonight. With darkness, comes quiet and all the negative thoughts that daylight manages to keep out.
Hurt. I hope you hurt as much as I am. Maybe she'll run to his arms for rescue. I hate that. She'll be off work in 20 minutes. I wonder if she'll go straight home or do her own thing. Is this the end? Is this my way of ending the entire relationship? There's so much to think about. I told my mom what's going on and she told me to face my feelings head on. Don't escape in alcohol or getting high she said. Mami's right. I can't escape this. It has to be dealt with...Just not now. For now I need to escape into some tv. I'm not up to figuring things out...not yet.
what now
After their date last night, she tried to be all lovey-dovey with me. I wasn't having any of that. Asked her if she wanted to further explore the feeling she has for him and she said yes. Confused, conflicted she says she is. I told her I don't want to share her. I don't want to be 1 of 2. Didn't even sleep in the same bed last night. Had a fitful sleep and I'm walking around like a zombie today. Glad to be at work to be distracted from it all. Many tears were cried.
Are we wasting our time by staying together? Are we ignoring all the signs of the universe that we should part ways? Maybe it isn't a coincidence that our lease is up in 2 months. We could make a clean break and go our separate ways. She says she doesn't want to lose me, that she loves me but I told her there exists many types of love. Have you fallen out of love with me? No she says. I can't be with her right now knowing that he's also in her heart. I can't pretend that we're ok. This is now a three person relationship. Fuck that. I didn't sign up for that.
Booked a weekend stay at a hotel. Nothing fancy but I welcome the distance and cable tv. Plus I got a gay discount thru Orbitz. HA! It'll do me some good to get away, think things through and focus on tying up a few loose ends for work. Plus, I'll be able to watch the World Cup matches on tv. I hope to leave work by 2, pack up some clothes & my laptop and head over to my temporary refuge.
#nowplaying- Chutes Too Narrow, The Shins (My go-to melancholy soundtrack)
Are we wasting our time by staying together? Are we ignoring all the signs of the universe that we should part ways? Maybe it isn't a coincidence that our lease is up in 2 months. We could make a clean break and go our separate ways. She says she doesn't want to lose me, that she loves me but I told her there exists many types of love. Have you fallen out of love with me? No she says. I can't be with her right now knowing that he's also in her heart. I can't pretend that we're ok. This is now a three person relationship. Fuck that. I didn't sign up for that.
Booked a weekend stay at a hotel. Nothing fancy but I welcome the distance and cable tv. Plus I got a gay discount thru Orbitz. HA! It'll do me some good to get away, think things through and focus on tying up a few loose ends for work. Plus, I'll be able to watch the World Cup matches on tv. I hope to leave work by 2, pack up some clothes & my laptop and head over to my temporary refuge.
#nowplaying- Chutes Too Narrow, The Shins (My go-to melancholy soundtrack)
resin to the rescue
My inner crack head came out. I diligently and desperately took to cleaning my pipe to get a little bit of resin to smoke. I don't even care. I needed an out. Weed has always been my out. Granted, i didn't smoke weed but I have a buzz going on now thanks to the resin. Me kinda stoned and hopefully will be distracted enough to not think about her outing.
General Fear is kicking my ass. I need to let it go and accept that we laid the rules, I got to play by them and now it's her turn. I have to be pragmatic, objective and detached. Compartmentalization is my thing, right? If nothing else, I'm trying to accept that she deserves at least one date with him. I have to process it. I need to win the war in my head.
M is her friend. They're attracted to each other, they flirt. But she's coming home to me. He's in no place to be in a relationship. She tells me that I'm the only one. I have to see both sides of this. I've wasted my entire Thursday evening worrying about this. It's almost 10pm, fuck that. I want some good time.
M is her friend. They're attracted to each other, they flirt. But she's coming home to me. He's in no place to be in a relationship. She tells me that I'm the only one. I have to see both sides of this. I've wasted my entire Thursday evening worrying about this. It's almost 10pm, fuck that. I want some good time.
The pronoun "I" shows up quite a bit in this post. Selfish? Duh, I'm writing about myself? This is a stoned post. Ha!
*currently listening to The World Has Turned and Left Me Here -Weezer
will she fuck him tonight?
This open relationship was a lot more enjoyable when I was the one having some fun. I managed to go out, have some sexual fun; actually some damn good sexual fun without developing feelings for the guy. I've always been good at compartmentalizing and knew that my fuck buddy was just that; a buddy to fuck with. She on the other hand, has had feelings for her 'friend' for a while now and it's reciprocated on his end.
They've made out and I'm sure if they could they'd go all the way. I can't stop her. I can't be a hypocrite and say don't sleep with him when I slept with my FWB twice. The thing that I can't get past is the fact that she has feelings for the dude. She's one to go on emotion and I'm scared if they do anything she'll not be able to stop from falling for him.
They're going out tonight. To a park with a bottle of wine. I plan to get shit faced alone while they're getting tipsy and who knows what else. Fuck. be careful what you wish for, I guess.
He'll be here for her in an hour. I wish I could fast-forward so I could have the place to myself. She knows I'm a tad bit jealous but don't dare let on how much it really sucks. I can fake it like an actor and will do so until I have to. I hope to get drunk enough to just pass out. The last thing I want to do is stay up all night wondering if they're fucking or not.
hello again
The only time I seriously tried to 'find myself' was back in 2006. I left a rut existence in Orlando and settle in my old hometown. I took to examining who I was, who I wanted to be and why I was where I was. I was making good progress but then I got sidetracked by a woman. Not just any woman but the woman of my dreams. Four years later, we're still going strong but I've neglected the relationship with myself.
I can no longer run from myself. I can no longer fake it. I can no longer escape. I can no longer disappear in a cloud of pot smoke and pretend that life doesn't exist.
More importantly, I'm finally ready to leave my old habits behind. I still crave escapism. I'm not smoking now; mainly because I need to find a real job soon but I still want to leave real life. Often I fantasize about leaving town and starting over. Or sometimes I drink a few beers to forget that which I need to address. It's finally caught up to me and I'm beginning the journey of self-discovery anew.
I'm starting this blog so I can chronicle my quest. I'll be 33 this year and don't want to waste another year of my life. I'd like to heal myself. I know that I have many demons and fears to face. My chest tightens up as I think of this. Much like the journal I started back in 2006, I hope this blog will be my sidekick to discovery.
I am finally ready.
I can no longer run from myself. I can no longer fake it. I can no longer escape. I can no longer disappear in a cloud of pot smoke and pretend that life doesn't exist.
More importantly, I'm finally ready to leave my old habits behind. I still crave escapism. I'm not smoking now; mainly because I need to find a real job soon but I still want to leave real life. Often I fantasize about leaving town and starting over. Or sometimes I drink a few beers to forget that which I need to address. It's finally caught up to me and I'm beginning the journey of self-discovery anew.
I'm starting this blog so I can chronicle my quest. I'll be 33 this year and don't want to waste another year of my life. I'd like to heal myself. I know that I have many demons and fears to face. My chest tightens up as I think of this. Much like the journal I started back in 2006, I hope this blog will be my sidekick to discovery.
I am finally ready.
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