Library post

After breakfast of Starbucks & cheese danish, I'm sitting by myself at the library. So grateful to have a laptop and for the library to have pretty good wi-fi service. I'm pulling up itunes, popping on my headphones and will stay in my own world while others mill about me.

I am so heartbroken right now. I am heartbroken but I am more angry this time. Like I told her it feels as though she was simply pretending these last 2-3 weeks and didn't seriously consider the consequences of us getting back together. I wish I was in a position to leave the apartment now. I don't want to be with her like this. I don't want to have to see her, be civil to her when she hurt me so bad. I want her to hurt and get used to being alone again. This time I don't want to be nice to her. I want her to know that I will not be her friend. Even as I type this I wonder if I will be able to go through with this. I love her with all my heart. I have never loved anyone else in my life and who knows if I ever will. The only thing I am certain of right now is that I need to get out of the shared space. I need to kick up my job hunting skills a few thousand notches.

For now I guess I'll take this time to look up more jobs and try to kill time till 2:30; then it's back home to watch 3rd place game between #URU & #GER

My brother's pain

Sitting in bed on K's laptop. Mine is in the living room where S is sleeping. Picked her up last night after she and my brother got into a big fight. Looks as though things may be finally over between them. So much crazy relationship drama swirling around right now. The parallels between their relationship and mine & K's are pretty spooky. My brother and I both have trouble dealing with emotions and seek escape from every day life. S & K are big on communication and don't care where they are, they seek to talk about everything. I feel bad for my brother. He got the short end of the stick growing up and sadly those seeds are now being sowed. He admitted last night that he resents not having a father figure in his life; someone to show him how to treat women. I know it does no good to blame our parents and he realizes that as well but he's in so much pain; so much self-hatred that I don't know what he's going to do. He wants to be alone and not be burdened by relationship problems and he doesn't want to burden others with his problems. My biggest fear is that he will become a hermit or isolate himself from us to an extreme. This is unhealthy and something that I know first hand. I thought keeping others out was the best way to deal with stuff but now I know that won't help you grow. I have to remember he's only 22 and very immature. Maybe this loss is what he needs to grow, address those issues that he's buried. Emotionally, he's not 22; he's a boy. He's still that same boy who is looking for stability and comfort but cannot let himself be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt. I get that he's this way because growing up my mother and father weren't really there for him. My mom's BF didn't really try to be a father figure for him so instead he bounced from friend's house to friend's house trying to escape his home life and who knows what else. I didn't realize how bad things are for them until last night. My heart aches and I wish I could take away all the pain but I can't. I have to tell myself not to get too heavily invested in his pain for I have my own shit to deal with. Still, it hurts because I love my brother so much and I feel for S. She's gone through some heavy shit as well and she deserves better. All I can do is be there for them as best I can and hope and plead with the universe to send them both some clarity, guidance and peace. I love you hermanito.

June 2010

June 2010 is the month I died.
June 2010 is the month we died.
June 2010 is the month I started healing.
June 2010 is the month I finally ended her misery.
June 2010 is the month I finally addressed my misery.
June 2010 is the month I was reborn.

say goodbye

Almost midnight on a Saturday. I'm needy but she's sleeping. The Postal Service is keeping me company. I have "Nothing Better" and "Sleeping In" on repeat. I need her. I need to be comforted but I'm trying to be strong and tell myself that I need to start fending for myself. In a few months time, we won't even be in the same apartment. Never mind the fact that she was needy earlier and I gave her comfort. Never mind the fact that I'll probably go to bed feeling like shit and wake up tomorrow to take her to the arboretum after not making it today. The pain of it all tells me that the break up is real; that soon enough we'll be living separate lives and will have to comfort ourselves. For now I'm trying my hardest to make up how shitty I was to her by being there for her. I allow myself to fantasize about getting back together but in the same thought I know I'm not ready to get back with her. More importantly, I want some independence. I think of having my own place and get excited thinking about buying things for it. Right now though, I'm lonely and could use a hug and her smile.

shit-faced

She told him about us. She told him about our break-up and ever the gentleman offered his services in helping him move. I'm desperately trying not to get too wrapped up in this. I can't control her life and her friendships but this one hurts. No one knows we broke up. No one knows we're moving out and apart. But now someone does know. He knows. My biggest fear that she'll go to him after we're doing is rearing it's ugly little head. I know I can't control her and I'm trying to accept that and I'm trying to let it go but instead I'm drinking. I've just finished my 3rd beer and I'm ready to go for my 4th. I plan on getting shit-faced tonight. I don't care. I know it's not healthy and I shouldn't drown my feelings but that's all I want to do right now. Before I get wasted I need to finish cooking. Imagine that, I'm such an idiot that I'm making dinner for us only to probably eat alone.

It's over. She's gone. I wonder when I'll accept that he's going to be part of her life. After all, he is her friend whether she wants me to know it or not they share something deeper than friendship. Fuck. I hurt right now. I hurt and want to drink.

Can we remain friends and heal?

Can we remain friends and heal? Can two people who still love each other, break up and help each other heal? This is where we are at right now. The thoughts of moving apart in a few months is so much to bear (bare?) We won't come home to each other. I'll come home to an empty apartment and she'll come home to her cats. What are we supposed to do? Are I supposed to move into the spare room and live my life as if I were alone? My chest is burning as I write this. I pretty much have had this continuous burning in my chest for a long time now. I never realized it was anxiety.

I don't want to lose her. I want to beg her to give us another chance. I know the thoughts pass thru her mind as well but both our inner voices tells us that we can't. Mine is saying we can't. Mine is saying I'm not ready to be in a relationship. That hurts. that hurts so bad I can hardly breathe. we're at this crossroads in our lives and we don't know how to proceed. All I know is my life would be incredibly empty without her. i can't imagine life without my babyness. Are we impeding our personal progress by staying this close? Or are we simply soaking up as much together time we can before we move away? Still can't believe in a few short months we won't be living in the same place. We'll be living in separate apartments, leading lives independent of each other.

I'm sorry. thank you

.So many times this past weekend I beat myself up for failing as a girlfriend. So many times during our relationship I took out my frustrations on her. I used her as a punching bag. Afraid to face my childhood trauma, I reverted to taking my anger and pain out on her. I'm ashamed to admit I even hurt her physically. I haven't touched her like that in a long time but I did it. I don't have coping mechanisms for my emotions and I put my hands on her. The beautiful woman who I swore to protect from pain and here I was hurting her. I hurt her physically. I hurt her emotionally. I hurt her by checking out of the relationship. I hurt her by belittling her. I hurt her by making her feel bad about herself. I mocked her interests. She wasn't perfect but she never deserved this pain. She is the only person, besides my mother, who loves me unconditionally. She has never judged me. She has never talked down to me or made me feel bad about myself. And how do I repay her? By being a monster to her. By channeling all my fears, demons, pain, hurt and sexual abuse into more abuse.

I continued the cycle of abuse because I didn't know any better. Because she was there. I didn't dare show this side to anyone else but she was there and I abused her. I took her for granted. I didn't appreciate her. If I'm honest with myself, it's been hell for her probably at least 2 years now. How could I have done this to her? How could I have hurt her and not see what I had in front of me? Now that she's gone, I realize the depth of my despair. Taking out my misery on her hasn't solved my problems. If anything, it's added to the layers of blackness I must fight out of to heal myself.

Through all the abuse I inflicted on her, she still wants to be my friend. She still loves me and wants to help me get better. I am both grateful and saddened by that. A big part of me feels as if I don't deserve her kindness and generosity but I also know that I need her compassion, her wisdom to aid me in my journey. This is one I must take but I need some guidance and she has once again risen to my side to make sure I heal myself. I can't let her down. I can't let myself down. I can't let us down. It hurts that we are no longer a couple. It's no longer D & K. But her friendship is something I can't lose and I will give her thanks for that daily.

D doesn't live here anymore

It's Monday evening. It was one hell of a weekend. Fuck we cried bucket loads of tears. After initially blaming him and her for my pain, I finally realize I was the one who hurt myself. My actions, my inactions, my fear, my apathy took me down this path. I lost it all. I lost the love of my life. I lost my home. I lost my mind, momentarily. I hit rock bottom this weekend. The pain was so intense I felt my heart ready to burst at any minute. Our cries were howls of pain, loss and regret.

At this particular moment, I'm more calm. I am finally listening to my inner Sammie and paying attention to what she needs. I have finally grown up. Childish things are no longer part of me. I have lost it all and have no where to go but up. I have no where to go but to address what it is that has stifled me for so long.

Before even setting foot inside work, I called EAP. I poured my pain to a stranger named Heather and hope to be able to see a therapist soon. I left her a voicemail but she's yet to return my call. If she doesn't by end of business tomorrow, I will call EAP back to request another referral. I'm ready. I am more than ready but I need her to call me back. Another option I have is to go with Ross.

I'm embarrassed that it's taken me this long to confront my demons. Instead of confronting them I reverted to child-like mechanisms like escape. Fuck, I feel like such a grown up now. I have lost it all, including shame. I have nothing left to lose and finally comprehend all that I have lost was done for a reason. I've lost it all because I need to heal myself. I need to

1) pay Sammie attention

2) get professional help

3) make peace with my past

4) love myself

In addition, I need to get a job, a new place to live and not stray from my course. Damn, it's gonna be hard but I'm genuinely surprised by how enlightened I am. Have I accepted the loss of our relationship? Could I really have progressed this quickly?

The weird thing is that deep down, I knew what I had to do. I never did it because I took everything we had for granted. I never seriously considered that she'd leave me. But now that it's over, I can't hide behind anything or anyone. It's now sink or swim time and I don't want to sink.

I told my mom and she was super supportive as well. She wrote me the most beautiful email in Spanish.

not yet

So I'm sitting on a surprisingly comfy bed at a Best Western. Managed to catch the last 10 minutes or so of the Uruguay versus France match. Glad that I have the World Cup to distract me for an entire month.

I have been walking in a zombie-like state all day long. Numb yet on the verge of tears. As soon as I walked in, I thought of spending the rest of the weekend at the hotel with her. How stupid is that. I book this room to do what I need to do to take care of myself. It's a pretty decent room and I got a fabulous deal on it.

She texted me three hours ago to ask how I was; I never replied. I don't want her to know how I am. I don't want her to know where I am. What I want is for her to hurt as me as I do. I want her to suffocate in the loneliness of the big, empty apartment tonight. With darkness, comes quiet and all the negative thoughts that daylight manages to keep out.

Hurt. I hope you hurt as much as I am. Maybe she'll run to his arms for rescue. I hate that. She'll be off work in 20 minutes. I wonder if she'll go straight home or do her own thing. Is this the end? Is this my way of ending the entire relationship? There's so much to think about. I told my mom what's going on and she told me to face my feelings head on. Don't escape in alcohol or getting high she said. Mami's right. I can't escape this. It has to be dealt with...Just not now. For now I need to escape into some tv. I'm not up to figuring things out...not yet.

what now

After their date last night, she tried to be all lovey-dovey with me. I wasn't having any of that. Asked her if she wanted to further explore the feeling she has for him and she said yes. Confused, conflicted she says she is. I told her I don't want to share her. I don't want to be 1 of 2. Didn't even sleep in the same bed last night. Had a fitful sleep and I'm walking around like a zombie today. Glad to be at work to be distracted from it all. Many tears were cried.

Are we wasting our time by staying together? Are we ignoring all the signs of the universe that we should part ways? Maybe it isn't a coincidence that our lease is up in 2 months. We could make a clean break and go our separate ways. She says she doesn't want to lose me, that she loves me but I told her there exists many types of love. Have you fallen out of love with me? No she says. I can't be with her right now knowing that he's also in her heart. I can't pretend that we're ok. This is now a three person relationship. Fuck that. I didn't sign up for that.

Booked a weekend stay at a hotel. Nothing fancy but I welcome the distance and cable tv. Plus I got a gay discount thru Orbitz. HA! It'll do me some good to get away, think things through and focus on tying up a few loose ends for work. Plus, I'll be able to watch the World Cup matches on tv. I hope to leave work by 2, pack up some clothes & my laptop and head over to my temporary refuge.

#nowplaying- Chutes Too Narrow, The Shins (My go-to melancholy soundtrack)

resin to the rescue

My inner crack head came out. I diligently and desperately took to cleaning my pipe to get a little bit of resin to smoke. I don't even care. I needed an out. Weed has always been my out. Granted, i didn't smoke weed but I have a buzz going on now thanks to the resin. Me kinda stoned and hopefully will be distracted enough to not think about her outing.

General Fear is kicking my ass. I need to let it go and accept that we laid the rules, I got to play by them and now it's her turn. I have to be pragmatic, objective and detached. Compartmentalization is my thing, right? If nothing else, I'm trying to accept that she deserves at least one date with him. I have to process it. I need to win the war in my head.

M is her friend. They're attracted to each other, they flirt. But she's coming home to me. He's in no place to be in a relationship. She tells me that I'm the only one. I have to see both sides of this. I've wasted my entire Thursday evening worrying about this. It's almost 10pm, fuck that. I want some good time.

The pronoun "I" shows up quite a bit in this post. Selfish? Duh, I'm writing about myself? This is a stoned post. Ha!

*currently listening to The World Has Turned and Left Me Here -Weezer