Can we remain friends and heal?

Can we remain friends and heal? Can two people who still love each other, break up and help each other heal? This is where we are at right now. The thoughts of moving apart in a few months is so much to bear (bare?) We won't come home to each other. I'll come home to an empty apartment and she'll come home to her cats. What are we supposed to do? Are I supposed to move into the spare room and live my life as if I were alone? My chest is burning as I write this. I pretty much have had this continuous burning in my chest for a long time now. I never realized it was anxiety.

I don't want to lose her. I want to beg her to give us another chance. I know the thoughts pass thru her mind as well but both our inner voices tells us that we can't. Mine is saying we can't. Mine is saying I'm not ready to be in a relationship. That hurts. that hurts so bad I can hardly breathe. we're at this crossroads in our lives and we don't know how to proceed. All I know is my life would be incredibly empty without her. i can't imagine life without my babyness. Are we impeding our personal progress by staying this close? Or are we simply soaking up as much together time we can before we move away? Still can't believe in a few short months we won't be living in the same place. We'll be living in separate apartments, leading lives independent of each other.

what now

After their date last night, she tried to be all lovey-dovey with me. I wasn't having any of that. Asked her if she wanted to further explore the feeling she has for him and she said yes. Confused, conflicted she says she is. I told her I don't want to share her. I don't want to be 1 of 2. Didn't even sleep in the same bed last night. Had a fitful sleep and I'm walking around like a zombie today. Glad to be at work to be distracted from it all. Many tears were cried.

Are we wasting our time by staying together? Are we ignoring all the signs of the universe that we should part ways? Maybe it isn't a coincidence that our lease is up in 2 months. We could make a clean break and go our separate ways. She says she doesn't want to lose me, that she loves me but I told her there exists many types of love. Have you fallen out of love with me? No she says. I can't be with her right now knowing that he's also in her heart. I can't pretend that we're ok. This is now a three person relationship. Fuck that. I didn't sign up for that.

Booked a weekend stay at a hotel. Nothing fancy but I welcome the distance and cable tv. Plus I got a gay discount thru Orbitz. HA! It'll do me some good to get away, think things through and focus on tying up a few loose ends for work. Plus, I'll be able to watch the World Cup matches on tv. I hope to leave work by 2, pack up some clothes & my laptop and head over to my temporary refuge.

#nowplaying- Chutes Too Narrow, The Shins (My go-to melancholy soundtrack)