Library post

After breakfast of Starbucks & cheese danish, I'm sitting by myself at the library. So grateful to have a laptop and for the library to have pretty good wi-fi service. I'm pulling up itunes, popping on my headphones and will stay in my own world while others mill about me.

I am so heartbroken right now. I am heartbroken but I am more angry this time. Like I told her it feels as though she was simply pretending these last 2-3 weeks and didn't seriously consider the consequences of us getting back together. I wish I was in a position to leave the apartment now. I don't want to be with her like this. I don't want to have to see her, be civil to her when she hurt me so bad. I want her to hurt and get used to being alone again. This time I don't want to be nice to her. I want her to know that I will not be her friend. Even as I type this I wonder if I will be able to go through with this. I love her with all my heart. I have never loved anyone else in my life and who knows if I ever will. The only thing I am certain of right now is that I need to get out of the shared space. I need to kick up my job hunting skills a few thousand notches.

For now I guess I'll take this time to look up more jobs and try to kill time till 2:30; then it's back home to watch 3rd place game between #URU & #GER

My brother's pain

Sitting in bed on K's laptop. Mine is in the living room where S is sleeping. Picked her up last night after she and my brother got into a big fight. Looks as though things may be finally over between them. So much crazy relationship drama swirling around right now. The parallels between their relationship and mine & K's are pretty spooky. My brother and I both have trouble dealing with emotions and seek escape from every day life. S & K are big on communication and don't care where they are, they seek to talk about everything. I feel bad for my brother. He got the short end of the stick growing up and sadly those seeds are now being sowed. He admitted last night that he resents not having a father figure in his life; someone to show him how to treat women. I know it does no good to blame our parents and he realizes that as well but he's in so much pain; so much self-hatred that I don't know what he's going to do. He wants to be alone and not be burdened by relationship problems and he doesn't want to burden others with his problems. My biggest fear is that he will become a hermit or isolate himself from us to an extreme. This is unhealthy and something that I know first hand. I thought keeping others out was the best way to deal with stuff but now I know that won't help you grow. I have to remember he's only 22 and very immature. Maybe this loss is what he needs to grow, address those issues that he's buried. Emotionally, he's not 22; he's a boy. He's still that same boy who is looking for stability and comfort but cannot let himself be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt. I get that he's this way because growing up my mother and father weren't really there for him. My mom's BF didn't really try to be a father figure for him so instead he bounced from friend's house to friend's house trying to escape his home life and who knows what else. I didn't realize how bad things are for them until last night. My heart aches and I wish I could take away all the pain but I can't. I have to tell myself not to get too heavily invested in his pain for I have my own shit to deal with. Still, it hurts because I love my brother so much and I feel for S. She's gone through some heavy shit as well and she deserves better. All I can do is be there for them as best I can and hope and plead with the universe to send them both some clarity, guidance and peace. I love you hermanito.