not yet

So I'm sitting on a surprisingly comfy bed at a Best Western. Managed to catch the last 10 minutes or so of the Uruguay versus France match. Glad that I have the World Cup to distract me for an entire month.

I have been walking in a zombie-like state all day long. Numb yet on the verge of tears. As soon as I walked in, I thought of spending the rest of the weekend at the hotel with her. How stupid is that. I book this room to do what I need to do to take care of myself. It's a pretty decent room and I got a fabulous deal on it.

She texted me three hours ago to ask how I was; I never replied. I don't want her to know how I am. I don't want her to know where I am. What I want is for her to hurt as me as I do. I want her to suffocate in the loneliness of the big, empty apartment tonight. With darkness, comes quiet and all the negative thoughts that daylight manages to keep out.

Hurt. I hope you hurt as much as I am. Maybe she'll run to his arms for rescue. I hate that. She'll be off work in 20 minutes. I wonder if she'll go straight home or do her own thing. Is this the end? Is this my way of ending the entire relationship? There's so much to think about. I told my mom what's going on and she told me to face my feelings head on. Don't escape in alcohol or getting high she said. Mami's right. I can't escape this. It has to be dealt with...Just not now. For now I need to escape into some tv. I'm not up to figuring things out...not yet.

what now

After their date last night, she tried to be all lovey-dovey with me. I wasn't having any of that. Asked her if she wanted to further explore the feeling she has for him and she said yes. Confused, conflicted she says she is. I told her I don't want to share her. I don't want to be 1 of 2. Didn't even sleep in the same bed last night. Had a fitful sleep and I'm walking around like a zombie today. Glad to be at work to be distracted from it all. Many tears were cried.

Are we wasting our time by staying together? Are we ignoring all the signs of the universe that we should part ways? Maybe it isn't a coincidence that our lease is up in 2 months. We could make a clean break and go our separate ways. She says she doesn't want to lose me, that she loves me but I told her there exists many types of love. Have you fallen out of love with me? No she says. I can't be with her right now knowing that he's also in her heart. I can't pretend that we're ok. This is now a three person relationship. Fuck that. I didn't sign up for that.

Booked a weekend stay at a hotel. Nothing fancy but I welcome the distance and cable tv. Plus I got a gay discount thru Orbitz. HA! It'll do me some good to get away, think things through and focus on tying up a few loose ends for work. Plus, I'll be able to watch the World Cup matches on tv. I hope to leave work by 2, pack up some clothes & my laptop and head over to my temporary refuge.

#nowplaying- Chutes Too Narrow, The Shins (My go-to melancholy soundtrack)