what now

After their date last night, she tried to be all lovey-dovey with me. I wasn't having any of that. Asked her if she wanted to further explore the feeling she has for him and she said yes. Confused, conflicted she says she is. I told her I don't want to share her. I don't want to be 1 of 2. Didn't even sleep in the same bed last night. Had a fitful sleep and I'm walking around like a zombie today. Glad to be at work to be distracted from it all. Many tears were cried.

Are we wasting our time by staying together? Are we ignoring all the signs of the universe that we should part ways? Maybe it isn't a coincidence that our lease is up in 2 months. We could make a clean break and go our separate ways. She says she doesn't want to lose me, that she loves me but I told her there exists many types of love. Have you fallen out of love with me? No she says. I can't be with her right now knowing that he's also in her heart. I can't pretend that we're ok. This is now a three person relationship. Fuck that. I didn't sign up for that.

Booked a weekend stay at a hotel. Nothing fancy but I welcome the distance and cable tv. Plus I got a gay discount thru Orbitz. HA! It'll do me some good to get away, think things through and focus on tying up a few loose ends for work. Plus, I'll be able to watch the World Cup matches on tv. I hope to leave work by 2, pack up some clothes & my laptop and head over to my temporary refuge.

#nowplaying- Chutes Too Narrow, The Shins (My go-to melancholy soundtrack)

resin to the rescue

My inner crack head came out. I diligently and desperately took to cleaning my pipe to get a little bit of resin to smoke. I don't even care. I needed an out. Weed has always been my out. Granted, i didn't smoke weed but I have a buzz going on now thanks to the resin. Me kinda stoned and hopefully will be distracted enough to not think about her outing.

General Fear is kicking my ass. I need to let it go and accept that we laid the rules, I got to play by them and now it's her turn. I have to be pragmatic, objective and detached. Compartmentalization is my thing, right? If nothing else, I'm trying to accept that she deserves at least one date with him. I have to process it. I need to win the war in my head.

M is her friend. They're attracted to each other, they flirt. But she's coming home to me. He's in no place to be in a relationship. She tells me that I'm the only one. I have to see both sides of this. I've wasted my entire Thursday evening worrying about this. It's almost 10pm, fuck that. I want some good time.

The pronoun "I" shows up quite a bit in this post. Selfish? Duh, I'm writing about myself? This is a stoned post. Ha!

*currently listening to The World Has Turned and Left Me Here -Weezer

will she fuck him tonight?

This open relationship was a lot more enjoyable when I was the one having some fun. I managed to go out, have some sexual fun; actually some damn good sexual fun without developing feelings for the guy. I've always been good at compartmentalizing and knew that my fuck buddy was just that; a buddy to fuck with. She on the other hand, has had feelings for her 'friend' for a while now and it's reciprocated on his end.

They've made out and I'm sure if they could they'd go all the way. I can't stop her. I can't be a hypocrite and say don't sleep with him when I slept with my FWB twice. The thing that I can't get past is the fact that she has feelings for the dude. She's one to go on emotion and I'm scared if they do anything she'll not be able to stop from falling for him.

They're going out tonight. To a park with a bottle of wine. I plan to get shit faced alone while they're getting tipsy and who knows what else. Fuck. be careful what you wish for, I guess.

He'll be here for her in an hour. I wish I could fast-forward so I could have the place to myself. She knows I'm a tad bit jealous but don't dare let on how much it really sucks. I can fake it like an actor and will do so until I have to. I hope to get drunk enough to just pass out. The last thing I want to do is stay up all night wondering if they're fucking or not.