first born blues

It sucks being the oldest. As the oldest I'm the first one my mom calls to bitch/vent about my brother and sisters. As the oldest I'm the first one my brother/sisters call to bitch/vent about my mom. I may be first but I'm forever in the middle.

Right now my brother and mother are engaged in a pretty bad power struggle? My brother lost his job and was evicted as a result; now his family (himself, gf and dog) are staying in my mom's spare bedroom. Their relationship has always been volatile with enough blame to be given to both but things have boiled over now.

My brother feels my mom doesn't respect him or his girlfriend. His oft-repeated thought is that my mother would rather choose her husband over her own kids. To an extent, I believe him because I felt the same way when she 'married' her 2nd husband.

My heart hurts for my family. I can't do much but lend an ear and a few words of so-called wisdom. I have no money. I have no spare room. Heck, I don't even have the energy to expend on this drama.

I wish I could take a magic wand and make the situation better. I wish I could move my brother and his gf to a place of their own. I wish I could make my mom see that what she calls tough love and nagging is actually not doing anything but retarding my brother's ambition and making him resent her.

Bottom line, I know I can't do much of anything. He needs to grow up and get motivated to get his shit together. Actually both he and his gf do. Sleeping in after staying up all night like vampires is not conducive to a productive life.

I wish I could make my mom see that he's hurting. He's been hurting since childhood but he can't keep blaming our parents for how his life turned out.

Hermanito, necesitas ponerte las pilas y hacer algo de tu vida. Me duele tanto el corazon que estes en esta situacion pero la unica persona que te pueda ayudar es tu mismo. Espero que lleges a pensar asi para que te superes.

If I keep my distance from you all it's because I need my sanity. I hope all can be resolved soon. I don't want my family to hurt any more. I love you little brother, I love you mami.

My brother's pain

Sitting in bed on K's laptop. Mine is in the living room where S is sleeping. Picked her up last night after she and my brother got into a big fight. Looks as though things may be finally over between them. So much crazy relationship drama swirling around right now. The parallels between their relationship and mine & K's are pretty spooky. My brother and I both have trouble dealing with emotions and seek escape from every day life. S & K are big on communication and don't care where they are, they seek to talk about everything. I feel bad for my brother. He got the short end of the stick growing up and sadly those seeds are now being sowed. He admitted last night that he resents not having a father figure in his life; someone to show him how to treat women. I know it does no good to blame our parents and he realizes that as well but he's in so much pain; so much self-hatred that I don't know what he's going to do. He wants to be alone and not be burdened by relationship problems and he doesn't want to burden others with his problems. My biggest fear is that he will become a hermit or isolate himself from us to an extreme. This is unhealthy and something that I know first hand. I thought keeping others out was the best way to deal with stuff but now I know that won't help you grow. I have to remember he's only 22 and very immature. Maybe this loss is what he needs to grow, address those issues that he's buried. Emotionally, he's not 22; he's a boy. He's still that same boy who is looking for stability and comfort but cannot let himself be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt. I get that he's this way because growing up my mother and father weren't really there for him. My mom's BF didn't really try to be a father figure for him so instead he bounced from friend's house to friend's house trying to escape his home life and who knows what else. I didn't realize how bad things are for them until last night. My heart aches and I wish I could take away all the pain but I can't. I have to tell myself not to get too heavily invested in his pain for I have my own shit to deal with. Still, it hurts because I love my brother so much and I feel for S. She's gone through some heavy shit as well and she deserves better. All I can do is be there for them as best I can and hope and plead with the universe to send them both some clarity, guidance and peace. I love you hermanito.