fuck love

Up early on a Saturday morning. Watching some world cup soccer (SK v GRE). She called me right after work and we were on the phone for more than 2 hours. We rehashed a lot of the same stuff, we cried guttural cries of pain. I ended the call feeling numb. Numb is my preferred emotion lately. The phone call was also cathartic. Told her how much she hurt me, how she broke my heart. Told her I want her to hurt as much as I do. I told her I wanted the loneliness to suffocate her. I even told her I hate her. And I told her if we break up I can't have her in my life. She took it all and accepted it. She also said she never wanted to hurt me but the damage has been done. Things will never be the same between us. Even if we were to give this another chance, knowing that she has feelings for him would erode whatever fragile reconciliation we built.

Bottom line- she's not one to run from her feelings and she explicitly said she wants to explore those feelings so I don't see how that bodes well for me. She may not have wanted to choose between me & him but in a way she already has. She gave into those feelings, that lust and I can't, I won't be second fiddle. The pain, anger, dissappointment are washing over me as I type these words. I can't believe we're here. She told me it was always going to be me. She said we'd be together 50 + years and yet we didn't even make it to our 4 year anniversary.

I hate knowing that once I'm out of the picture she'll have free reign to go to him. They'll be nothing standing in her way to start something with him. I hope she didn't sleep last night. I want her to hurt and I want to be mean to her but I still love her and I don't know if I can be mean to her. I hate this so much. Love sucks. Love really motherfucking sucks.

Envisioning a life without her is so painful, so lonely. I cannot be friends with her if we break up. She wants to but I can't. How could I be her friend and hear about her new romantic adventures? How could I be her friend and pretend not to love her and pretend that she's the person who caused me so much grief. I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, I admit. I told her that I'm sure she's seeking solace in him because in whatever way I let her down or I wasn't able to fulfill whatever needs she had but I also told her I would have love to break up with it being my fault. It'd be easier for me to swallow if she left me because of what I did or didn't do. Instead we're here because of a third party.

I can't stand to think of him touching her. I can't stand to think that this super generous, loving and caring individual is now going to lavish that on him. She was supposed to take care of me. I was supposed to take care of her. I know I failed you baby girl, I know I did but I never strayed. My heart always belonged to you and no one else. I don't see how I can ever do this again. Love hurts too much.

not yet

So I'm sitting on a surprisingly comfy bed at a Best Western. Managed to catch the last 10 minutes or so of the Uruguay versus France match. Glad that I have the World Cup to distract me for an entire month.

I have been walking in a zombie-like state all day long. Numb yet on the verge of tears. As soon as I walked in, I thought of spending the rest of the weekend at the hotel with her. How stupid is that. I book this room to do what I need to do to take care of myself. It's a pretty decent room and I got a fabulous deal on it.

She texted me three hours ago to ask how I was; I never replied. I don't want her to know how I am. I don't want her to know where I am. What I want is for her to hurt as me as I do. I want her to suffocate in the loneliness of the big, empty apartment tonight. With darkness, comes quiet and all the negative thoughts that daylight manages to keep out.

Hurt. I hope you hurt as much as I am. Maybe she'll run to his arms for rescue. I hate that. She'll be off work in 20 minutes. I wonder if she'll go straight home or do her own thing. Is this the end? Is this my way of ending the entire relationship? There's so much to think about. I told my mom what's going on and she told me to face my feelings head on. Don't escape in alcohol or getting high she said. Mami's right. I can't escape this. It has to be dealt with...Just not now. For now I need to escape into some tv. I'm not up to figuring things out...not yet.

what now

After their date last night, she tried to be all lovey-dovey with me. I wasn't having any of that. Asked her if she wanted to further explore the feeling she has for him and she said yes. Confused, conflicted she says she is. I told her I don't want to share her. I don't want to be 1 of 2. Didn't even sleep in the same bed last night. Had a fitful sleep and I'm walking around like a zombie today. Glad to be at work to be distracted from it all. Many tears were cried.

Are we wasting our time by staying together? Are we ignoring all the signs of the universe that we should part ways? Maybe it isn't a coincidence that our lease is up in 2 months. We could make a clean break and go our separate ways. She says she doesn't want to lose me, that she loves me but I told her there exists many types of love. Have you fallen out of love with me? No she says. I can't be with her right now knowing that he's also in her heart. I can't pretend that we're ok. This is now a three person relationship. Fuck that. I didn't sign up for that.

Booked a weekend stay at a hotel. Nothing fancy but I welcome the distance and cable tv. Plus I got a gay discount thru Orbitz. HA! It'll do me some good to get away, think things through and focus on tying up a few loose ends for work. Plus, I'll be able to watch the World Cup matches on tv. I hope to leave work by 2, pack up some clothes & my laptop and head over to my temporary refuge.

#nowplaying- Chutes Too Narrow, The Shins (My go-to melancholy soundtrack)

resin to the rescue

My inner crack head came out. I diligently and desperately took to cleaning my pipe to get a little bit of resin to smoke. I don't even care. I needed an out. Weed has always been my out. Granted, i didn't smoke weed but I have a buzz going on now thanks to the resin. Me kinda stoned and hopefully will be distracted enough to not think about her outing.

General Fear is kicking my ass. I need to let it go and accept that we laid the rules, I got to play by them and now it's her turn. I have to be pragmatic, objective and detached. Compartmentalization is my thing, right? If nothing else, I'm trying to accept that she deserves at least one date with him. I have to process it. I need to win the war in my head.

M is her friend. They're attracted to each other, they flirt. But she's coming home to me. He's in no place to be in a relationship. She tells me that I'm the only one. I have to see both sides of this. I've wasted my entire Thursday evening worrying about this. It's almost 10pm, fuck that. I want some good time.

The pronoun "I" shows up quite a bit in this post. Selfish? Duh, I'm writing about myself? This is a stoned post. Ha!

*currently listening to The World Has Turned and Left Me Here -Weezer