Monday morning. Starting my second week of unemployment. Today doesn't count as a real 'day' because it's the day after a holiday so K is home and lots of gov't places are closed. Shut up, this makes sense in my head. Woke up about an hour ago to my phone's incessant ringing; it was my mother (who also has the day off). Not in the mood to talk to her so I didn't pick up. At this particular moment I'm not in the mood to do much save for fantasize about smoking weed and burying myself in isolation. I bought a journal last week but I've yet to start writing in it. I haven't had the motivation to do so. The only writing I've done is on here so for that I should be grateful.
Feeling down, want an escape. Real life is hard. Only escape I have is alcohol. Though I drink, I always was more of a smoker. To me, being drunk alone is such a desperate move; one never knows if you'll end up happy, nostalgic, sad or angry. Getting high on the other hand, rarely made me feel bad; it more often than not opened my minds to other thoughts, lessened the burden of daily living and didn't make me feel like a loser for doing it alone. It's been over a month since I smoke weed. I haven't craved it as much as I have these last few days. I can't give in though. I have to be responsible and not give in. If I do, I don't think I'm prepared to handle it responsibly. I know it's not right to fixate on it but it's just my attempt to fill the void I carry with me.
Life isn't bliss. Life is just this; it's living.
My brother's pain
Sitting in bed on K's laptop. Mine is in the living room where S is sleeping. Picked her up last night after she and my brother got into a big fight. Looks as though things may be finally over between them. So much crazy relationship drama swirling around right now. The parallels between their relationship and mine & K's are pretty spooky. My brother and I both have trouble dealing with emotions and seek escape from every day life. S & K are big on communication and don't care where they are, they seek to talk about everything. I feel bad for my brother. He got the short end of the stick growing up and sadly those seeds are now being sowed. He admitted last night that he resents not having a father figure in his life; someone to show him how to treat women. I know it does no good to blame our parents and he realizes that as well but he's in so much pain; so much self-hatred that I don't know what he's going to do. He wants to be alone and not be burdened by relationship problems and he doesn't want to burden others with his problems. My biggest fear is that he will become a hermit or isolate himself from us to an extreme. This is unhealthy and something that I know first hand. I thought keeping others out was the best way to deal with stuff but now I know that won't help you grow. I have to remember he's only 22 and very immature. Maybe this loss is what he needs to grow, address those issues that he's buried. Emotionally, he's not 22; he's a boy. He's still that same boy who is looking for stability and comfort but cannot let himself be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt. I get that he's this way because growing up my mother and father weren't really there for him. My mom's BF didn't really try to be a father figure for him so instead he bounced from friend's house to friend's house trying to escape his home life and who knows what else. I didn't realize how bad things are for them until last night. My heart aches and I wish I could take away all the pain but I can't. I have to tell myself not to get too heavily invested in his pain for I have my own shit to deal with. Still, it hurts because I love my brother so much and I feel for S. She's gone through some heavy shit as well and she deserves better. All I can do is be there for them as best I can and hope and plead with the universe to send them both some clarity, guidance and peace. I love you hermanito.
2nd therapy
2nd therapy session under my belt. I really like Jessica. She asks the right questions to get me thinking. I need to stop getting hung up on the little things & see the big picture. A project I need to do is list all my accomplishments for the last 5 years so I can see how awesome I am. I am so hard on myself. Why can't I see the good I've done?
It is so incredibly difficult for me to give myself some positive feedback. I tend to dwell on the negative and not see the good stuff. I know I'm an intelligent, capable person who's contributed many things to society and yet I still have trouble cutting myself some slack.
I'm sitting outside K's work right now. I really wish I didn't have to interact with her right now. I'm not in the mood to be around people right now. I have to be pleasant, at least.
deja vu
This is a re-post of an entry I wrote back in October 2006; still rings true today:
The bars to my prison are titanium steel bastards that nullify any new information from getting in and restrict all information getting out to preapproved data only. I've had almost 30 years to build these barriers to seperate myself from others. Monstrous cylindrical bars composed of the hardest, cruelest and most contagious matters known to man. A liberal helping of angst, apathy, apprehension, loneliness, lack of self-love, laziness, mixed with an undefinable superiority complex and geniune care for others make up but a small measurement of the cell I've been living in. The supporting beams are mere shadow & illusory manifestations of the inummerable fears my mind mass-produces. The dichotomy that I am caught up in is not lost on me. I titled my blog, misanthrope because I am a follower of that ism. Misanthrope is defined as "a hater of humankind". I agree but I don't agree. I am permanently forked in that I don't care too much for people yet have a deep and unexplained love for them. I take no greater pleasure than helping others with their problems and pains; all the while ignorning my own, of course. My so-called love is reserved for the elderly stranger I see waiting for the bus, the young woman walking with grocery bags in one hand and holding her young child's hand with the other. Rarely does this love extend to me actually making the effort of getting close to these strangers. If you are lucky enough (ha!) to get my attention, I will then shower you with love. This love will probably reside inside my head and I will try not to let it make too many appearances for I don't want you to know that I need your approval desperately to make myself happy. This is one of my many addictions. Feeling better about myself through others' glasses.
My problems are my own and unless I grant you special permission to enter my barred cage, no one will know of them. My bff's don't know the real me and I've let them into my cell repeatedly. My problems are my problems alone and that's how I'd like them to remain. They are my security blanket, my constant companions. Burying them is the propellant I use to get through my days. As I write this I can't comprehend how I've been living. I seek only palliative remedies to my headaches; never seek a cure. Maybe if I run away enough times, the cure will turn out to be this running away; but of course I know that's wrong. It's been wrong and will forever be wrong. The only way I can be happy is to not just face my fears but to accept them. Understand them. Use no judgement; use no condemnation.
" The mind will always create problems; but what is essential is that when we make mistakes, when we are in pain, to meet these mistakes, these pains without judgements, to look at them without condemation; to live with them and let them go by." (Krishnamurti Total Freedom p203).
To live with them and let them go by..with no condemnation; with no judgement. This is the quest that I am embarking on. As minute as letting spelling errors be, this is a small but necessary step I need to break free from my prison. My own version of Prison Break where the star is Me and my costars are all the panic & phobias I have turned my back on for so long. If I don't discern who I am, how am I really contributing to my life and others? Yes, I am helpful and love to give but each time I give I am tearing more of myself out and slowly draining myself of life and vitality. It is time I balance the giving to others with giving to myself. Not superficial & materialistic goods but look within myself and give what I need. I need to pay attention to my emotions, my intellectual & spiritual hunger. Filling this void with another crush or another religious design makes for just another bandaid covering; the deep festering wound is still underneath. Stop trying to find solutions and answers through others and look in for the results. I cannot be sure I will like what I find but it is *what it is* and I will accept it and it will accept me and I will then live.
chutes too narrow
1. Face the prison I am living in without any self-defense. Without seeking escapes from it.The bars to my prison are titanium steel bastards that nullify any new information from getting in and restrict all information getting out to preapproved data only. I've had almost 30 years to build these barriers to seperate myself from others. Monstrous cylindrical bars composed of the hardest, cruelest and most contagious matters known to man. A liberal helping of angst, apathy, apprehension, loneliness, lack of self-love, laziness, mixed with an undefinable superiority complex and geniune care for others make up but a small measurement of the cell I've been living in. The supporting beams are mere shadow & illusory manifestations of the inummerable fears my mind mass-produces. The dichotomy that I am caught up in is not lost on me. I titled my blog, misanthrope because I am a follower of that ism. Misanthrope is defined as "a hater of humankind". I agree but I don't agree. I am permanently forked in that I don't care too much for people yet have a deep and unexplained love for them. I take no greater pleasure than helping others with their problems and pains; all the while ignorning my own, of course. My so-called love is reserved for the elderly stranger I see waiting for the bus, the young woman walking with grocery bags in one hand and holding her young child's hand with the other. Rarely does this love extend to me actually making the effort of getting close to these strangers. If you are lucky enough (ha!) to get my attention, I will then shower you with love. This love will probably reside inside my head and I will try not to let it make too many appearances for I don't want you to know that I need your approval desperately to make myself happy. This is one of my many addictions. Feeling better about myself through others' glasses.
My problems are my own and unless I grant you special permission to enter my barred cage, no one will know of them. My bff's don't know the real me and I've let them into my cell repeatedly. My problems are my problems alone and that's how I'd like them to remain. They are my security blanket, my constant companions. Burying them is the propellant I use to get through my days. As I write this I can't comprehend how I've been living. I seek only palliative remedies to my headaches; never seek a cure. Maybe if I run away enough times, the cure will turn out to be this running away; but of course I know that's wrong. It's been wrong and will forever be wrong. The only way I can be happy is to not just face my fears but to accept them. Understand them. Use no judgement; use no condemnation.
" The mind will always create problems; but what is essential is that when we make mistakes, when we are in pain, to meet these mistakes, these pains without judgements, to look at them without condemation; to live with them and let them go by." (Krishnamurti Total Freedom p203).
To live with them and let them go by..with no condemnation; with no judgement. This is the quest that I am embarking on. As minute as letting spelling errors be, this is a small but necessary step I need to break free from my prison. My own version of Prison Break where the star is Me and my costars are all the panic & phobias I have turned my back on for so long. If I don't discern who I am, how am I really contributing to my life and others? Yes, I am helpful and love to give but each time I give I am tearing more of myself out and slowly draining myself of life and vitality. It is time I balance the giving to others with giving to myself. Not superficial & materialistic goods but look within myself and give what I need. I need to pay attention to my emotions, my intellectual & spiritual hunger. Filling this void with another crush or another religious design makes for just another bandaid covering; the deep festering wound is still underneath. Stop trying to find solutions and answers through others and look in for the results. I cannot be sure I will like what I find but it is *what it is* and I will accept it and it will accept me and I will then live.
July already?!
Can't believe it's already July! 2010 is more than half way over and for that I am oh so very thankful. This has truly been a drama filled, eye-opening year. As fucked up and hard as it's been, I'm happy for all the bullshit I'm going through. If I hadn't have lost it all I probably would have continued on the same self-destructive path I was on. Now I can detach myself from my inner demons somewhat and am striving to heal.
I have my second session with Jessica in a bit. I wish I had money to keep going; to make these sessions a weekly occurrence but I'll take what I can get I guess. I'm not sure the protocol for therapy but I made some quick notes that I'll share with her today. The biggest challenges I've encountered since our initial meeting has been discovering I lack the skills needed to take care of myself. That's beyond ironic to me. I've lived my life with steel bars surrounding me; thinking is was the way to stay safe. All this time, the things I thought I was doing to protect myself were simply harming me further. It was this isolation that I carried into my relationship with K. Through the course of our relationship, I went to the other extreme and became completely dependent on her for my well-being. She was the one who could solve my issues and make the outside world disappear when weed failed me. I now realize that I can't depend on anyone but myself to make it better. She can be my support but it's ultimately up to me to heal myself and so I must develop better ways of taking care of myself. I don't want to be codependent any more. I have to address this otherwise my growth won't be complete. It's such a crazy balancing act though. Don't want to get too worked up before I see Jessica so I'll end here and just relax some before I have to leave. Let's see what today's session brings out...
* Currently listening to Jimmy Eat World's Bleed American.
I have my second session with Jessica in a bit. I wish I had money to keep going; to make these sessions a weekly occurrence but I'll take what I can get I guess. I'm not sure the protocol for therapy but I made some quick notes that I'll share with her today. The biggest challenges I've encountered since our initial meeting has been discovering I lack the skills needed to take care of myself. That's beyond ironic to me. I've lived my life with steel bars surrounding me; thinking is was the way to stay safe. All this time, the things I thought I was doing to protect myself were simply harming me further. It was this isolation that I carried into my relationship with K. Through the course of our relationship, I went to the other extreme and became completely dependent on her for my well-being. She was the one who could solve my issues and make the outside world disappear when weed failed me. I now realize that I can't depend on anyone but myself to make it better. She can be my support but it's ultimately up to me to heal myself and so I must develop better ways of taking care of myself. I don't want to be codependent any more. I have to address this otherwise my growth won't be complete. It's such a crazy balancing act though. Don't want to get too worked up before I see Jessica so I'll end here and just relax some before I have to leave. Let's see what today's session brings out...
* Currently listening to Jimmy Eat World's Bleed American.
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