Can't believe it's already July! 2010 is more than half way over and for that I am oh so very thankful. This has truly been a drama filled, eye-opening year. As fucked up and hard as it's been, I'm happy for all the bullshit I'm going through. If I hadn't have lost it all I probably would have continued on the same self-destructive path I was on. Now I can detach myself from my inner demons somewhat and am striving to heal.
I have my second session with Jessica in a bit. I wish I had money to keep going; to make these sessions a weekly occurrence but I'll take what I can get I guess. I'm not sure the protocol for therapy but I made some quick notes that I'll share with her today. The biggest challenges I've encountered since our initial meeting has been discovering I lack the skills needed to take care of myself. That's beyond ironic to me. I've lived my life with steel bars surrounding me; thinking is was the way to stay safe. All this time, the things I thought I was doing to protect myself were simply harming me further. It was this isolation that I carried into my relationship with K. Through the course of our relationship, I went to the other extreme and became completely dependent on her for my well-being. She was the one who could solve my issues and make the outside world disappear when weed failed me. I now realize that I can't depend on anyone but myself to make it better. She can be my support but it's ultimately up to me to heal myself and so I must develop better ways of taking care of myself. I don't want to be codependent any more. I have to address this otherwise my growth won't be complete. It's such a crazy balancing act though. Don't want to get too worked up before I see Jessica so I'll end here and just relax some before I have to leave. Let's see what today's session brings out...
* Currently listening to Jimmy Eat World's Bleed American.
Showing posts with label loving myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loving myself. Show all posts
I'll handle it
Monday evening. Came home feeling tense and stressed. K fixed me a hot bath, complete with scented oils, candles and crystals to absorb my negative energy. Overall I'm feeling more relaxed but the ever present tightness in my chest persists. I guess I'll just have to deal with this anxious feeling while I go through it all.
Taking a relaxing bath has been added to my arsenal of coping mechanisms. I now have 4-writing, exercising, art and taking a bath. Before, I only had 2-weed and alcohol. Earlier today I thought of smoking. It would have been nice to roll a joint and smoke away. I must admit my relationship with weed, I feel, is not yet over. I'm pretty sure I'll crave it for the rest of my life and honestly I envision smoking at some point in my future. For now though, I can't. I need to stay clean to get a job but also to attack my issues with a clear head. That doesn't mean that I won't smoke again. I fantasize about lighting up in my new place. The place I haven't even yet secured ; to be paid for by the job I haven't yet secured.
K asked me today if I wanted to stay together in this 2 bedroom. I told her I'm split 50/50; a part says yes, another part says no. Deep down I think we know the real answer is no. We need our own space to continue exploring who we're meant to be. We need our places to heal further. Sometimes, like right now, I want to be selfish and simply spend the whole night alone. It's a delicate balancing act we're dancing right now. I want to make sure I'm there for her but I also need to make sure I'm there for myself.
Not sure what's going to happen to us. There is still so much love between us. We've talked about the possibility of having our own places and dating. That may be the most viable and 'correct' way to approach this. I want my own place. I need my own place. I lived by myself for only about 2 years. It's time I spent some time alone, in my own space trying on different things/experiences. For that to happen, I need to get a good paying job and be ready. I can see so clearly now and know I am ready.
All together now, I am DSC and I can handle anything life throws my way.
Taking a relaxing bath has been added to my arsenal of coping mechanisms. I now have 4-writing, exercising, art and taking a bath. Before, I only had 2-weed and alcohol. Earlier today I thought of smoking. It would have been nice to roll a joint and smoke away. I must admit my relationship with weed, I feel, is not yet over. I'm pretty sure I'll crave it for the rest of my life and honestly I envision smoking at some point in my future. For now though, I can't. I need to stay clean to get a job but also to attack my issues with a clear head. That doesn't mean that I won't smoke again. I fantasize about lighting up in my new place. The place I haven't even yet secured ; to be paid for by the job I haven't yet secured.
K asked me today if I wanted to stay together in this 2 bedroom. I told her I'm split 50/50; a part says yes, another part says no. Deep down I think we know the real answer is no. We need our own space to continue exploring who we're meant to be. We need our places to heal further. Sometimes, like right now, I want to be selfish and simply spend the whole night alone. It's a delicate balancing act we're dancing right now. I want to make sure I'm there for her but I also need to make sure I'm there for myself.
Not sure what's going to happen to us. There is still so much love between us. We've talked about the possibility of having our own places and dating. That may be the most viable and 'correct' way to approach this. I want my own place. I need my own place. I lived by myself for only about 2 years. It's time I spent some time alone, in my own space trying on different things/experiences. For that to happen, I need to get a good paying job and be ready. I can see so clearly now and know I am ready.
All together now, I am DSC and I can handle anything life throws my way.
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