Can't believe it's already July! 2010 is more than half way over and for that I am oh so very thankful. This has truly been a drama filled, eye-opening year. As fucked up and hard as it's been, I'm happy for all the bullshit I'm going through. If I hadn't have lost it all I probably would have continued on the same self-destructive path I was on. Now I can detach myself from my inner demons somewhat and am striving to heal.
I have my second session with Jessica in a bit. I wish I had money to keep going; to make these sessions a weekly occurrence but I'll take what I can get I guess. I'm not sure the protocol for therapy but I made some quick notes that I'll share with her today. The biggest challenges I've encountered since our initial meeting has been discovering I lack the skills needed to take care of myself. That's beyond ironic to me. I've lived my life with steel bars surrounding me; thinking is was the way to stay safe. All this time, the things I thought I was doing to protect myself were simply harming me further. It was this isolation that I carried into my relationship with K. Through the course of our relationship, I went to the other extreme and became completely dependent on her for my well-being. She was the one who could solve my issues and make the outside world disappear when weed failed me. I now realize that I can't depend on anyone but myself to make it better. She can be my support but it's ultimately up to me to heal myself and so I must develop better ways of taking care of myself. I don't want to be codependent any more. I have to address this otherwise my growth won't be complete. It's such a crazy balancing act though. Don't want to get too worked up before I see Jessica so I'll end here and just relax some before I have to leave. Let's see what today's session brings out...
* Currently listening to Jimmy Eat World's Bleed American.