Monday morning. Starting my second week of unemployment. Today doesn't count as a real 'day' because it's the day after a holiday so K is home and lots of gov't places are closed. Shut up, this makes sense in my head. Woke up about an hour ago to my phone's incessant ringing; it was my mother (who also has the day off). Not in the mood to talk to her so I didn't pick up. At this particular moment I'm not in the mood to do much save for fantasize about smoking weed and burying myself in isolation. I bought a journal last week but I've yet to start writing in it. I haven't had the motivation to do so. The only writing I've done is on here so for that I should be grateful.
Feeling down, want an escape. Real life is hard. Only escape I have is alcohol. Though I drink, I always was more of a smoker. To me, being drunk alone is such a desperate move; one never knows if you'll end up happy, nostalgic, sad or angry. Getting high on the other hand, rarely made me feel bad; it more often than not opened my minds to other thoughts, lessened the burden of daily living and didn't make me feel like a loser for doing it alone. It's been over a month since I smoke weed. I haven't craved it as much as I have these last few days. I can't give in though. I have to be responsible and not give in. If I do, I don't think I'm prepared to handle it responsibly. I know it's not right to fixate on it but it's just my attempt to fill the void I carry with me.
Life isn't bliss. Life is just this; it's living.
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