where does this plug go?
Feeling disconnected again. Wish I had someone to connect to; even on a very limited superficial level. Is that why I try so hard to do it on the internet? I'd rather connect with a stranger than spend time with my girl. I know who she is and what she has to offer me. I want newness, I want to see what exists outside of my own world. I need to plug into something...some experience that continues to elude me.
loud ass fan!
Good Saturday after a pretty good Friday. Slept in past 11, ate some delicious cinnamon buns for breakfast, had some good (!) instant coffee and vegged on the couch. We watched premiere ep of Jersey Shore, season 2. WOW, kids continue to bring the madness. We took a nap around 5 and then finally got around to doing something so we dressed and went to Starbucks and Publix. Now we're back home. While she's cleaning out there, I'm wasting time online. Feeling alright, well feeling good save for the part where she tells me she's going to a movie with K next weekend. I know they're friends and she's in a relationship with me and only wants to be with me. It just makes it hard for me to know that she's still attracted to him and of course he's a guy so I'm sure he's fair game for whatever. I can't tell her not to do anything because I had my fun but it stinks.
blah, blah, blah
I really need to make a more concerted effort to write, to continue working on my therapy but I don't want to. I lack the motivation and desire to write about anything serious. Right now, for instance I'm buzzed on cheap American beer and prefer to waste time online than to write about 'my feelings' or whatever emotional/psychological shit is going on. I figure I deserve some down time as being unemployed is a burdensome experience in and of itself. Whatever...pass me another cerveza, por favor.
currently playing: Less than Jake
currently playing: Less than Jake
Saturday Madness
Woke up to the delicious aroma of bacon and was then served breakfast in bed. What a way to start the weekend! Feeling happy and light for the first time in a very long time. It feels good to not be burdened by depression. In an effort to get out of my comfort zone and socialize some, we're off to M.A.D. About Wine in a few. As a member of Folio Weekly's Bite Club, we're off to a field trip where we'll "tour of the facility and to experience home wine-making and bottling. We will learn all about the wine making process, taste some wine, and help bottle". Yay! How exciting. Man, it feels wonderful to be excited about something concrete. There's hope at the end of this dark road and I for one am extremely happy and ready to welcome the light in. Job hunting hasn't produced anything just yet but I'm not fretting over that right now. It's a gorgeous summer Saturday and that's what I'll be thinking of. And wine. Wine, delicious, curative WINE!
Job Interview #1
Today's the day I may very well get a job. Today's the day I go in and sign up with a temp agency, anyway. Woke up feeling good but a bit anxious. I've done this temp agency routine enough to know what to expect. I hope this is a good step and that whatever job they get me is the one I'm supposed to be at for the moment. I say it like that because it will be a cust serv job more than likely and that's not what I want to be doing long term. K has given my resume to some of her professional contacts so we'll see if anything comes of that. Getting a job is the first piece in the puzzle. Next would be getting my own place, which would give me the stability I need to continue on in either search of a better job or higher education. First things first though and let's attack today.
Strawberry Shortcake Dresses Her Age. Kind Of.
Strawberry Shortcake Dresses Her Age. Kind Of.Holy crap, I can't believe she's gonna be 30! THIRTY! It seems as though it was just yesterday I was singing her alphabet song in my head. Ok, last week but still...
beer for breakfast
The best part about beer for breakfast is that on an empty stomach, two Yuenglings gives me quite the buzz. I'm not feeling 'better' per se but I'm distracted enough to do something besides cry and hurt. My heart is a dull organ right now. I feel heavy, full of sorrow all because she's not ready for a relationship. When I put on my rational hat I get why she can't be with me but 4 years of being with the same person is a hell of a long time. Every single word of Nothing Better I feel; it is the most autobiographical song EVER.
Dems suck
Yes the Dems should be looking towards tomorrow to grow their majority but they're such pussies that I doubt they know how to forward think. GRRRRRR
job hunting sucks balls!!
Just spent 2 hours registering with another state of FL website trying to apply for jobs. After killing myself softly by typing, all listed jobs require you to apply at their own websites. AHHHH!! So basically 2 hours and I only applied for one job. I could keep going but I'm getting tired of sitting here and I have to pee. I really don't want to go back home yet, though. Ugh, just looked over and saw that restrooms are closed for cleaning. FML
Library post
After breakfast of Starbucks & cheese danish, I'm sitting by myself at the library. So grateful to have a laptop and for the library to have pretty good wi-fi service. I'm pulling up itunes, popping on my headphones and will stay in my own world while others mill about me.
I am so heartbroken right now. I am heartbroken but I am more angry this time. Like I told her it feels as though she was simply pretending these last 2-3 weeks and didn't seriously consider the consequences of us getting back together. I wish I was in a position to leave the apartment now. I don't want to be with her like this. I don't want to have to see her, be civil to her when she hurt me so bad. I want her to hurt and get used to being alone again. This time I don't want to be nice to her. I want her to know that I will not be her friend. Even as I type this I wonder if I will be able to go through with this. I love her with all my heart. I have never loved anyone else in my life and who knows if I ever will. The only thing I am certain of right now is that I need to get out of the shared space. I need to kick up my job hunting skills a few thousand notches.
For now I guess I'll take this time to look up more jobs and try to kill time till 2:30; then it's back home to watch 3rd place game between #URU & #GER
I am so heartbroken right now. I am heartbroken but I am more angry this time. Like I told her it feels as though she was simply pretending these last 2-3 weeks and didn't seriously consider the consequences of us getting back together. I wish I was in a position to leave the apartment now. I don't want to be with her like this. I don't want to have to see her, be civil to her when she hurt me so bad. I want her to hurt and get used to being alone again. This time I don't want to be nice to her. I want her to know that I will not be her friend. Even as I type this I wonder if I will be able to go through with this. I love her with all my heart. I have never loved anyone else in my life and who knows if I ever will. The only thing I am certain of right now is that I need to get out of the shared space. I need to kick up my job hunting skills a few thousand notches.
For now I guess I'll take this time to look up more jobs and try to kill time till 2:30; then it's back home to watch 3rd place game between #URU & #GER
Fuck love
Saturday morning. We are done for reals this time. She admitted she isn't ready for a relationship. It hurts that I've lost her again. It sucks that just when I thought we were on firm ground, the rug gets pulled from under me. Fuck her. She wants to just be friends. Well then we'll be friends with the same boundaries & expectations of friendship. I left the house just now & she asked where I was going I told her she's just my friend now & shouldn't worry about it. I'm bitter this time. After our fragile reconciliation, I gave it my all only to end up with nothing again. Fuck love. Love is pain and I don't want any more of it.
Fuck, I want to get high
Monday morning. Starting my second week of unemployment. Today doesn't count as a real 'day' because it's the day after a holiday so K is home and lots of gov't places are closed. Shut up, this makes sense in my head. Woke up about an hour ago to my phone's incessant ringing; it was my mother (who also has the day off). Not in the mood to talk to her so I didn't pick up. At this particular moment I'm not in the mood to do much save for fantasize about smoking weed and burying myself in isolation. I bought a journal last week but I've yet to start writing in it. I haven't had the motivation to do so. The only writing I've done is on here so for that I should be grateful.
Feeling down, want an escape. Real life is hard. Only escape I have is alcohol. Though I drink, I always was more of a smoker. To me, being drunk alone is such a desperate move; one never knows if you'll end up happy, nostalgic, sad or angry. Getting high on the other hand, rarely made me feel bad; it more often than not opened my minds to other thoughts, lessened the burden of daily living and didn't make me feel like a loser for doing it alone. It's been over a month since I smoke weed. I haven't craved it as much as I have these last few days. I can't give in though. I have to be responsible and not give in. If I do, I don't think I'm prepared to handle it responsibly. I know it's not right to fixate on it but it's just my attempt to fill the void I carry with me.
Life isn't bliss. Life is just this; it's living.
Feeling down, want an escape. Real life is hard. Only escape I have is alcohol. Though I drink, I always was more of a smoker. To me, being drunk alone is such a desperate move; one never knows if you'll end up happy, nostalgic, sad or angry. Getting high on the other hand, rarely made me feel bad; it more often than not opened my minds to other thoughts, lessened the burden of daily living and didn't make me feel like a loser for doing it alone. It's been over a month since I smoke weed. I haven't craved it as much as I have these last few days. I can't give in though. I have to be responsible and not give in. If I do, I don't think I'm prepared to handle it responsibly. I know it's not right to fixate on it but it's just my attempt to fill the void I carry with me.
Life isn't bliss. Life is just this; it's living.
My brother's pain
Sitting in bed on K's laptop. Mine is in the living room where S is sleeping. Picked her up last night after she and my brother got into a big fight. Looks as though things may be finally over between them. So much crazy relationship drama swirling around right now. The parallels between their relationship and mine & K's are pretty spooky. My brother and I both have trouble dealing with emotions and seek escape from every day life. S & K are big on communication and don't care where they are, they seek to talk about everything. I feel bad for my brother. He got the short end of the stick growing up and sadly those seeds are now being sowed. He admitted last night that he resents not having a father figure in his life; someone to show him how to treat women. I know it does no good to blame our parents and he realizes that as well but he's in so much pain; so much self-hatred that I don't know what he's going to do. He wants to be alone and not be burdened by relationship problems and he doesn't want to burden others with his problems. My biggest fear is that he will become a hermit or isolate himself from us to an extreme. This is unhealthy and something that I know first hand. I thought keeping others out was the best way to deal with stuff but now I know that won't help you grow. I have to remember he's only 22 and very immature. Maybe this loss is what he needs to grow, address those issues that he's buried. Emotionally, he's not 22; he's a boy. He's still that same boy who is looking for stability and comfort but cannot let himself be vulnerable for fear of getting hurt. I get that he's this way because growing up my mother and father weren't really there for him. My mom's BF didn't really try to be a father figure for him so instead he bounced from friend's house to friend's house trying to escape his home life and who knows what else. I didn't realize how bad things are for them until last night. My heart aches and I wish I could take away all the pain but I can't. I have to tell myself not to get too heavily invested in his pain for I have my own shit to deal with. Still, it hurts because I love my brother so much and I feel for S. She's gone through some heavy shit as well and she deserves better. All I can do is be there for them as best I can and hope and plead with the universe to send them both some clarity, guidance and peace. I love you hermanito.
2nd therapy
2nd therapy session under my belt. I really like Jessica. She asks the right questions to get me thinking. I need to stop getting hung up on the little things & see the big picture. A project I need to do is list all my accomplishments for the last 5 years so I can see how awesome I am. I am so hard on myself. Why can't I see the good I've done?
It is so incredibly difficult for me to give myself some positive feedback. I tend to dwell on the negative and not see the good stuff. I know I'm an intelligent, capable person who's contributed many things to society and yet I still have trouble cutting myself some slack.
I'm sitting outside K's work right now. I really wish I didn't have to interact with her right now. I'm not in the mood to be around people right now. I have to be pleasant, at least.
deja vu
This is a re-post of an entry I wrote back in October 2006; still rings true today:
The bars to my prison are titanium steel bastards that nullify any new information from getting in and restrict all information getting out to preapproved data only. I've had almost 30 years to build these barriers to seperate myself from others. Monstrous cylindrical bars composed of the hardest, cruelest and most contagious matters known to man. A liberal helping of angst, apathy, apprehension, loneliness, lack of self-love, laziness, mixed with an undefinable superiority complex and geniune care for others make up but a small measurement of the cell I've been living in. The supporting beams are mere shadow & illusory manifestations of the inummerable fears my mind mass-produces. The dichotomy that I am caught up in is not lost on me. I titled my blog, misanthrope because I am a follower of that ism. Misanthrope is defined as "a hater of humankind". I agree but I don't agree. I am permanently forked in that I don't care too much for people yet have a deep and unexplained love for them. I take no greater pleasure than helping others with their problems and pains; all the while ignorning my own, of course. My so-called love is reserved for the elderly stranger I see waiting for the bus, the young woman walking with grocery bags in one hand and holding her young child's hand with the other. Rarely does this love extend to me actually making the effort of getting close to these strangers. If you are lucky enough (ha!) to get my attention, I will then shower you with love. This love will probably reside inside my head and I will try not to let it make too many appearances for I don't want you to know that I need your approval desperately to make myself happy. This is one of my many addictions. Feeling better about myself through others' glasses.
My problems are my own and unless I grant you special permission to enter my barred cage, no one will know of them. My bff's don't know the real me and I've let them into my cell repeatedly. My problems are my problems alone and that's how I'd like them to remain. They are my security blanket, my constant companions. Burying them is the propellant I use to get through my days. As I write this I can't comprehend how I've been living. I seek only palliative remedies to my headaches; never seek a cure. Maybe if I run away enough times, the cure will turn out to be this running away; but of course I know that's wrong. It's been wrong and will forever be wrong. The only way I can be happy is to not just face my fears but to accept them. Understand them. Use no judgement; use no condemnation.
" The mind will always create problems; but what is essential is that when we make mistakes, when we are in pain, to meet these mistakes, these pains without judgements, to look at them without condemation; to live with them and let them go by." (Krishnamurti Total Freedom p203).
To live with them and let them go by..with no condemnation; with no judgement. This is the quest that I am embarking on. As minute as letting spelling errors be, this is a small but necessary step I need to break free from my prison. My own version of Prison Break where the star is Me and my costars are all the panic & phobias I have turned my back on for so long. If I don't discern who I am, how am I really contributing to my life and others? Yes, I am helpful and love to give but each time I give I am tearing more of myself out and slowly draining myself of life and vitality. It is time I balance the giving to others with giving to myself. Not superficial & materialistic goods but look within myself and give what I need. I need to pay attention to my emotions, my intellectual & spiritual hunger. Filling this void with another crush or another religious design makes for just another bandaid covering; the deep festering wound is still underneath. Stop trying to find solutions and answers through others and look in for the results. I cannot be sure I will like what I find but it is *what it is* and I will accept it and it will accept me and I will then live.
chutes too narrow
1. Face the prison I am living in without any self-defense. Without seeking escapes from it.The bars to my prison are titanium steel bastards that nullify any new information from getting in and restrict all information getting out to preapproved data only. I've had almost 30 years to build these barriers to seperate myself from others. Monstrous cylindrical bars composed of the hardest, cruelest and most contagious matters known to man. A liberal helping of angst, apathy, apprehension, loneliness, lack of self-love, laziness, mixed with an undefinable superiority complex and geniune care for others make up but a small measurement of the cell I've been living in. The supporting beams are mere shadow & illusory manifestations of the inummerable fears my mind mass-produces. The dichotomy that I am caught up in is not lost on me. I titled my blog, misanthrope because I am a follower of that ism. Misanthrope is defined as "a hater of humankind". I agree but I don't agree. I am permanently forked in that I don't care too much for people yet have a deep and unexplained love for them. I take no greater pleasure than helping others with their problems and pains; all the while ignorning my own, of course. My so-called love is reserved for the elderly stranger I see waiting for the bus, the young woman walking with grocery bags in one hand and holding her young child's hand with the other. Rarely does this love extend to me actually making the effort of getting close to these strangers. If you are lucky enough (ha!) to get my attention, I will then shower you with love. This love will probably reside inside my head and I will try not to let it make too many appearances for I don't want you to know that I need your approval desperately to make myself happy. This is one of my many addictions. Feeling better about myself through others' glasses.
My problems are my own and unless I grant you special permission to enter my barred cage, no one will know of them. My bff's don't know the real me and I've let them into my cell repeatedly. My problems are my problems alone and that's how I'd like them to remain. They are my security blanket, my constant companions. Burying them is the propellant I use to get through my days. As I write this I can't comprehend how I've been living. I seek only palliative remedies to my headaches; never seek a cure. Maybe if I run away enough times, the cure will turn out to be this running away; but of course I know that's wrong. It's been wrong and will forever be wrong. The only way I can be happy is to not just face my fears but to accept them. Understand them. Use no judgement; use no condemnation.
" The mind will always create problems; but what is essential is that when we make mistakes, when we are in pain, to meet these mistakes, these pains without judgements, to look at them without condemation; to live with them and let them go by." (Krishnamurti Total Freedom p203).
To live with them and let them go by..with no condemnation; with no judgement. This is the quest that I am embarking on. As minute as letting spelling errors be, this is a small but necessary step I need to break free from my prison. My own version of Prison Break where the star is Me and my costars are all the panic & phobias I have turned my back on for so long. If I don't discern who I am, how am I really contributing to my life and others? Yes, I am helpful and love to give but each time I give I am tearing more of myself out and slowly draining myself of life and vitality. It is time I balance the giving to others with giving to myself. Not superficial & materialistic goods but look within myself and give what I need. I need to pay attention to my emotions, my intellectual & spiritual hunger. Filling this void with another crush or another religious design makes for just another bandaid covering; the deep festering wound is still underneath. Stop trying to find solutions and answers through others and look in for the results. I cannot be sure I will like what I find but it is *what it is* and I will accept it and it will accept me and I will then live.
July already?!
Can't believe it's already July! 2010 is more than half way over and for that I am oh so very thankful. This has truly been a drama filled, eye-opening year. As fucked up and hard as it's been, I'm happy for all the bullshit I'm going through. If I hadn't have lost it all I probably would have continued on the same self-destructive path I was on. Now I can detach myself from my inner demons somewhat and am striving to heal.
I have my second session with Jessica in a bit. I wish I had money to keep going; to make these sessions a weekly occurrence but I'll take what I can get I guess. I'm not sure the protocol for therapy but I made some quick notes that I'll share with her today. The biggest challenges I've encountered since our initial meeting has been discovering I lack the skills needed to take care of myself. That's beyond ironic to me. I've lived my life with steel bars surrounding me; thinking is was the way to stay safe. All this time, the things I thought I was doing to protect myself were simply harming me further. It was this isolation that I carried into my relationship with K. Through the course of our relationship, I went to the other extreme and became completely dependent on her for my well-being. She was the one who could solve my issues and make the outside world disappear when weed failed me. I now realize that I can't depend on anyone but myself to make it better. She can be my support but it's ultimately up to me to heal myself and so I must develop better ways of taking care of myself. I don't want to be codependent any more. I have to address this otherwise my growth won't be complete. It's such a crazy balancing act though. Don't want to get too worked up before I see Jessica so I'll end here and just relax some before I have to leave. Let's see what today's session brings out...
* Currently listening to Jimmy Eat World's Bleed American.
I have my second session with Jessica in a bit. I wish I had money to keep going; to make these sessions a weekly occurrence but I'll take what I can get I guess. I'm not sure the protocol for therapy but I made some quick notes that I'll share with her today. The biggest challenges I've encountered since our initial meeting has been discovering I lack the skills needed to take care of myself. That's beyond ironic to me. I've lived my life with steel bars surrounding me; thinking is was the way to stay safe. All this time, the things I thought I was doing to protect myself were simply harming me further. It was this isolation that I carried into my relationship with K. Through the course of our relationship, I went to the other extreme and became completely dependent on her for my well-being. She was the one who could solve my issues and make the outside world disappear when weed failed me. I now realize that I can't depend on anyone but myself to make it better. She can be my support but it's ultimately up to me to heal myself and so I must develop better ways of taking care of myself. I don't want to be codependent any more. I have to address this otherwise my growth won't be complete. It's such a crazy balancing act though. Don't want to get too worked up before I see Jessica so I'll end here and just relax some before I have to leave. Let's see what today's session brings out...
* Currently listening to Jimmy Eat World's Bleed American.
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